All Their Words

From the Desk of Dorothy Desdamona Dixson: A subjective yet objective psychological evaluation and analysis of Ryan Luke Jevne. Provided with the intention to diagnose and assist the individual in maintaining a healthy and sober state of mind. All information provided here is observational only, with the intended purpose of supporting him in mental health and addiction recovery. Ryan has stress arising from suppression of physical sexual desires and insufficient consideration from bodily needs, with anxiety from existing situations that he feels are disagreeable. He has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own and to stand out from the common herd. His control of his sensual instincts restricts his ability to give himself, but the resulting isolation lends to the urge to surrender and allow himself to merge with another. This disturbs him, as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome. Ryan feels that only by continued self-re...

I hate waking up alone.  I hate knowing you're still out there existing without me.  I hate existing without you.  I feel lost and alone, utterly alone.  All these friendly faces around me will never amount to one smile of yours.  I'd die for just one moment alone with you again.  Not long, just one moment. 

Something in your eyes tells me to jump, yet I hesitate. I can't jump, for I don't see the bottom. How mysterious have you become? Do you have ill intentions? I've this suspicion you feel for me more than you show. What is it you fear? Please don't be afraid of me.

When the truth came out, when you found out I was weak and broken, when there was nothing left for me to give and nothing left to hide, why did you turn away? I've so much more to give now, you probably wouldn't know me anymore. Maybe it's better this way. I'm still looking for the good in this. I can't find any. Why wasn't I good enough for you? I gave and I gave, and I'll continue to give, anything you still want from me. It's too late now, there's no turning back, no more I love you's, no more kisses goodnight, no more outrageous fights. I'll miss it though, all of it, the good, the bad and the bitter. 

Hey Buddy, What's up? Not much here. I am so sorry about what happened Saturday night. I hope you get feeling better, and I hope you'll feel good enough to come to school tomorrow. And I wrote this note to tell you thank-you for buying me dinner on Saturday, that was very nice of you. Well I gotta go now because the bell is about to ring.  A friend always, Celeste Sotelo P.S. GET WELL SOON!

~ Ryan ~ Hey Gilbert! How's it goin? I know it's only been a few short weeks that I've known you, but it seems like I've known you my whole life. You're just a great guy and I will always remember you. You're a wonderful actor and I know you will go far and succeed in life. I know you will and don't let anyone tell you different. I feel that I have become so close to you these short weeks and I'm going to miss you greatly when you leave.  Like I said in the letter I gave Andrea, I will always be here and I will always take time to talk whenever you want. Just call or write, I'm always here. I will miss you, so much!  If you didn't get the note I gave Andrea, here's my address:  311 East Sunset Riverton, Wyoming 82501 307-856-4726 kato@weirdness.com Love and Good Luck Always, Katie Ramsey

  Dear "R Boogus", I hope I spelled that right. How are you doing? Dumb question. I couldn't sleep last night. I finally fell asleep at 3:00 A.M. I want you to be happy. Give this broken chika a smile. I know how I can make you laugh... can tickle the poo outta you!   Ryan, I will make no more promises if you don't want me to. But none of my promises are empty promises. I will sing of sunshine when you sing of rain, I will sing of ecstasy when you sing of pain. The biggest mistakes we make are the risks we fail to take. But you don't know what you got til it's gone. Don't give up on me! Love Always, Andrea

 Ryan, If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me. Your Tom Cat

Smiles are the great deceiver Shining through the rain So simple So misleading Through my toothy grin You see what you need So false So untrue But believe what you want It makes no difference to me So much pain So much anger My days are long But yours are longer See you when the sun sets So much time In the end

  Ryan, Hey, so how's life? How was school? I'm in Dramatic Lit. We're watching a play called Hedda Gabler, we read it and now we are watching it. I like the movie a lot better than I did when I read it. I just talked to Emily about the temple, it was a very interesting discussion. You know don't you that she is getting married? She is WAY excited! O.K. I've just finished all my classes and since I missed lunch and it's 3:10, I'm starving to death! Don't believe me? All I've had today is two glasses of non-fat dry milk and a non-fat homemade roll. (it was GOOD!) You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you, well I just like it! So there! Ha! Ha! Are you going to send Valentine's stuff to Rita! You'd better. I know how it feels to be a loner on Valentine's Day. I didn't mean to be rude this morning when I said that about seminary, I just miss having you in there! I was worried about it after I dropped you off. I hope you do...

Happy Valentine's Day... There's no place like being in my Ryan's arms, I already love you more than anything... ❤️ I LOVE YOU! ❤️  Your Tender Tom Cat 

Ryan, Hey waz up? Not much here. I can't remember if I'm supposed to tell Ali anything? Do you really like her? Do you even know who she is? Guess what? I get off probation on Saturday the 26th. Cool, huh? This Wednesday I will have been going out with Dustin for 3 weeks. You should draw me a picture, so I can hang it on my door in my bedroom. We'll I better go, I just wanted to find out about Ali. You should call Ali for the hell of it. Or you can call me. Well, gotta go.  Hasta Luego  Your friend,  Brandy Write Back 

Ryan, OK I won't tell Ali anything! What do you think she is ugly or what? I know it wuz a joke but I thought you wanted me to tell her as a joke. Life sucks! Why doesn't your mom want you in the play? Well I'm failing General Science. Yes you will pass. Yep! Your writing is cool. I ain't a little freshman, I'm the best freshman though. Ali didn't think I was telling her the truth when I said I wuz your friend. Then when I wuz talking to you she about shit her pants. Hasta Luego  Love Brandy Write Back Soon

  Ryan,  Before you walk away from me like that again, I hope you'll stop and listen to what I have to say, without becoming too emotional. I seemed to have offended you, and I fear I deeply hurt you. I hope that isn't so. If so, I am truly sorry. I don't feel I got through to you like I wanted to. So, I'll write it down for you. You'll never truly know the real impact you have on those in your life. You'll never really know how much your simple presence in someone's life means. A smile from you could change someone's entire day, and maybe the entire course of their life. Your kind heart could change one soul, or one hundred. Don't run away, don't wait for someone to be kind to you first, be kind to them first. Don't wait for the perfect moment or for someone to change. And more than anything, just be you, the authentic person I know you are, and that we all can see. We'll all love you, despite all the fear I can see behind your eyes. Don...

Ryan - The sun is hung in your smile. The stars in your eyes. You are the knight to my day. 

Hey Sugar ~ I just dropped by - it's 4:45pm - to see if you wanted to have dinner, but you are not here, ask me if I'm surprised.  Anyway, you probably won't get this in time to eat - Call me if you feel like it. Kisses, Jen

You seem to search for a solid idea, One you can grasp and believe. But why would you search for the answer to you, Where the ideas deceive? The truth of your heart and unwilling soul, Is locked tight within yourself.  And the answer to you will never be found, If your thoughts are not in good health.  You let their words bombard your heart, With relentless and driving power. But no one knows you, The real unknown you, Until your greatest hour. Clear your mind of burdening clouds, Born of others' thoughts.  And there you will find your very own mind, One long ago forgot.  The love that I send in great urgency,  Is pure, true, and whole. But clouds on the brain make you insane, And my love will not enter your soul. I accept this fact with hurt and regret, That my love was blocked by pain. But you will not shrug this alias, So we'll ever have clouds on the brain.

I guess I should confess we'd all be in a freakin mess I need to express all of the stress you relieve from my consciousness  You impress with your nobleness and to this we must profess Hangin wit you is like recess  and that's why we love you PRINCESS  by CMF

~ Ryan ~ A thousand times I said it wouldn't be the same. Yet the passion with which we kissed burned like an open flame. I was tasting the bittersweet  forbidden fruits. And questioning why they were forbidden. That's what I ask you now. Why? In your poem you made me question myself, my beliefs, my feelings. I did. I thought long and hard. Should it be? Yes. Could it be? No. For there has to be two minds, two hearts and souls working together to become one. I don't crave any love, I crave your love. I don't crave a relationship, I crave the feeling that you are there. What you do make me question is would it be right? I get the feeling that you mean age wise. Is that true? I realize that you do not love me as a lover, as an intimate friend, as a soothing partner. So I will try from now on to hide my such feelings. But please don't tease me with your tongue. You already know what happens when you do that. Ryan, I long to lay in your arms, to hold you, to comfort you...

you slit my wrists last night   under the stars in the cold Jagged words tore my flesh   all in self defense I won't pretend to know your mind   what you hold inside crimson drops from my finger tips   puddles on the floor Let me tell you what I want   Before you slit my throat By random chance and happen stance   our lives crossed once again looped around in war torn paths   to where it all began My only desire of you   simple as it seems Intertwine with me on the bar room floor   where our chemistry is best Dance with me throughout the night   Forget about the rest I only want the fleeting glance  A rock and roll fantasy This is what I need of you   Nothing else put down your sharpened pencil   clever crafted words With a double edge you broke my heart   what else can I do? Pools of red now cloud my mind   one last breath perhaps don't think too hard about what this is   or what we are together There is no...

You look to others, to reflect back at you love. You look to others for acceptance. You worry too much. You replay events in your head, over and over. You question everything. You yearn to understand people. You have built up a wall, a barrier, and you let few, if any in. Stress is what you make it. Learn to trust others. Find happiness within yourself, or you cannot reflect true happiness back. Take a deep breath. It is OK to relax. Anger is within you... Find it. Then abandon it. Learn to love yourself, or you cannot love another. Leaking energy is tiring. Think of tomorrow. Never be afraid to change. Carry with you the truth of you, that God loves you. Anxiety attacks, not heart attacks. Traumatic events have happened in your past. You give.

May 25th, 1996 Dear Ryan, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love you for your sense of humor. I like you for your commitment to God & the church. I like you for being involved in theater and acting and helping. I like you for your patience and perseverance, of course, I love you for simply being Ryan Jevne, Fred and a good guy. Fred, Just wanted to let you know I appreciate you. For being married for thirty years, we still have a lot to learn about ourselves and each other. We always will. Don't ever lose your openness to other people. Love, your friend Star Amsbaugh

5/20/98 Ryan: Okay, I'm not going to say as much as I thought I was. And don't worry, I'm not going to say anything you don't want to hear. But anyway, mostly, I just want to say thank you for being there for me. I appreciate it more than I can say. You'll never know. Also, since you're graduating this weekend, I don't want to lose touch. That happens a lot. You were there for me, and I want to thank you. I guess the only way to do that is to be there for you. So if you ever need to talk, call me. Or even if not, call me sometime. I promise that all I want is a friendship. And last of all, if I ever need to talk, can I call you? It seems like my closer friends don't really understand anything. So, do you mind? Well, I gotta go. Nikky 

Ryan, You are the best friend I have and I love you for that and for the incredible man I'm getting to know. I love that you chose me to be in your life right now. There are no words to describe how happy you make me. Tom

Ryan, Hey, Hey sweet thing! How's it goin'? Things aren't too good here. I got your letter. Thanks! I needed that. So I see Venessa told you about Kodiak, sorry I didn't tell you. Hope you're not mad at me! I miss you two, like crazy! I'll come and see you guys soon. Tell Venessa to call me sometime. Oh, by the way I don't blame you for being uptight. I understand. So, how's Riverton? Casper sucks! Actually my life sucks! I can't believe we moved here. There's nothing to do here! I know there's like a mall and stuff but, I don't know. Just when things were going good in Riverton, we moved. Just my luck huh! Well talk to ya later gotta           run                    Bye                            Love,                                        Jess...

Ryan, don't mind the back of the paper. I'm saving trees.  I'm not as vain as I seem or as shallow as I act. I don't base everything on looks. I wouldn't associate with half the people I do if I did. I just can't stand looking bad. I'm not depressed okay. I just got that way every once in a while. I spend so much time acting like someone else I hardly know what I'm really like myself. You're sweet, but don't you think your sister would have a cow if I called you?   - I already have your #  I learn things