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I Won't Cry

Ryan,

I don't know what to think of you! Last night it seemed like things might be better today. Yet as soon as I see you, you suddenly seem pissed. I know you don't like me asking what's wrong all the time as it makes you feel like you never do anything right, but honey, 90% of the time there is pretty obvious reason for me asking. I'm sorry, but to most people the silent treatment means that something is wrong. And it's not that I think something is wrong with you, I naturally feel that since I am the one getting the brush off, I'm the one who has apparently done something wrong.

I have told you time and time again that I am sorry for nights like last night, but I can't help it when I feel that way. To be honest I feel so unattractive, so overweight, that I can't even enjoy when we have sex like I used to and like I should, because all I can think about the whole time is that I am not good enough or experienced enough, or pretty enough to really please you. And I know that it affects it so much that you are probably more pleasured when you can just do it yourself, which is probably why we do it so infrequently.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, really I am just trying to apologize. A relationship is supposed to be stronger and better and I feel that I can't do that for you. I really think it is getting to the time when we should end our relationship. I am not saying that is definitely what I want, but I am trying to think rationally, and am proposing that thought to you to see what you think or feel. 

I am hoping that I will have the courage to give this letter to you and really hope that we could talk about it. I don't mean me talk, but both of us. I would really like to know how you feel. I know it is something that is hard for you to do, but I beg you to try. I don't ever want this relationship to end badly, that is why I wouldn't ever want to end it without sincerely agreeing together that it is the best thing for us. And it may very well not end today, but I do believe that we should talk about it.

It's not fair to those around us either. Your family all seemed to notice that we said maybe five words to each other and that we had some obvious issue. Now, Ryan, I am willing to try, but if it is not what you want then it needs to stop. There have been a lot of good memories between us, too many to just make rash decisions that we will regret. 

So please try to tell me how you feel about it right now. I won't say that I won't cry, because I know me better and I am PMSing on top of it all. I really would like to talk to you tonight though, so please help me out.

~ Katie Krammer

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