Empty & Cold

Rita,

So I guess it's over. You've made it perfectly clear that you no longer want to love me, much less talk to me. There's nothing more for me to do but accept that. Even though I wish like hell we could start somewhere again, anywhere at all.

That's impossible now, I know, but I still have a few things to say. 

I will start by saying I love you still, I always will. I cannot stop loving you simply because you are not around.

Tell me, was it easy for you, to stop loving me?

I don't understand how you can be so cold and careless. I never meant to destroy the one thing that was supposed to last forever. Aren't we soul mates, aren't we supposed to be together forever? There's no one I wish to spend the rest of my life with but you.

Even more, there's no one I want to love more than you.

This is driving me crazy knowing you are no longer in my life. I have this sick pit in my stomach all the time. My heart is literally breaking, I can actually feel it, it's killing me inside, ripping me apart. 

I wish I could forget, it would hurt less...

I can't forget. You're the last one on my mind at night and the first there when I wake up. It's been too many nights of being with you to now be suddenly without.

I wish I could have me a good breakdown and be done with you and get on with my life. It won't be that easy. This will take years. When you truly love someone, you never stop, no matter what happens. I never will.

If you really love me, you'd be going through the same. 

Are you?

If you're not, that could be what hurts the most. You got what you wanted from me. My name, a name for your little girl and child support every month. I hope you find what you're looking for, whatever that may be. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I hope you find a greater love, someone who can love you the way you want, not the way I loved you. I hope they can give you the things I couldn't. I'll never be the one to take actions toward a divorce from you, because that's not what I want. You'll have to be the one to do it, for I cannot and will not.

Find yourself a nice returned missionary, one you can walk all over, and make sure he is rich, knowing how much you love money. You greedy little thing. 

Sometimes I wish you hadn't come back into my life two years ago. I gave you my heart, and with you it still remains. I'll be ok without you, the worst part seems over, but I don't know... I'll be fine, I'm slowly putting myself back together again. I believe that somewhere there will be someone that will love me again, I just hope I can love them as strongly as I loved you.

I'm getting help for my problems that both of us were incapable of handling. That's my greatest fear, not loving someone like I loved, love, you. 

All things change sooner or later, I'm just trying to catch up with all of this. I want you to kiss me and tell me it's not broken. I want you to tell me you still love me. I want you to tell me you forgive me. That won't happen. It hasn't yet and never will. We're both too stubborn and selfish. We wanted too much from each other and couldn't give it. I couldn't make you happy and nothing I did was ever good enough for you. I think you had this ideal in your mind of this perfect Ryan that I never was. Sorry to disappoint you. I am what I am and I won't change for anyone if I don't want to. Not even you. I tried though. I tried.

I blame myself for this, too much I feel. This will take some time, more than I wish I could go through. I'll be alright. I'm keeping myself busy, I have to keep myself from going insane. Life without you feels so empty and cold, but I'll get accustomed to it. I've no other choice. 

I have nightmares almost every night. About us. I can't remember most of them. I've lost my family, my life that I had with you, our little girl, and most of all, you. I'm sorry I messed that up. 

I just wish I could've seen it coming, so I could've prepared myself. So, go ahead, divorce me if that's what you want. That should bring some closure at least. It's inevitable, it's got to happen. This ring has got to come off soon. It only reminds me of you, one of the many things that still reminds me of you. 

So, I think that's about it. No, one more thing...

Kiss Kell for me, just once, and tell her that her Daddy loves her. Do that one last thing for me, that's all I ask. This will be the last you will hear from me. I don't expect things to change, because they won't. The one thing that won't change is my love for you.

So, goodbye, I love you, and try to think of me as I think of you, fondly.

Love Always,

Ryan