Saturday Morning

My Dearest Darling Rita,

You probably don't want to read this, but read it anyway. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and I, for the things I've done. I never meant to destroy the one thing that was supposed to last forever. I felt I had to tell you, because if I hadn't told you, what chance would this marriage have of being? I know you're hurting right now and I know you're scared of getting hurt again. But as surely as I'm living and I'm breathing in the hopes that there is still something here worth saving, I promise you that I'll never hurt you again. I don't want to hurt you in any way again. I don't expect you to ever forgive me for what I've done. I know you want to though. I want you to, too. However long it does take you to forgive me, I'm willing to wait. That's the price I'm willing to pay for you, and I will. 

I love you so much that every day I am away from you it feels as if a piece of me is dying inside. I feel I'm truly dying without you. There is no one that makes me happier than you do. There's no one I wish to spend my life with more than you. I don't even want to look, because I know deep down that there is no one I want to love but you. I don't even want to think about having children with anyone else, and I don't want a family with anyone else, either. 

Mickelle is my daughter, and I'm her Father, and I could never be a parent to another knowing that I failed her. I love her so much, with all that I have. I want to be there for her, I want to see her, all the time. I want to see her grow up and be there for her every step of the way. I didn't mean what I said when I said I never wanted to see her again, I truly do. 

I alone am responsible for the breakdown of this marriage. I lied to you. I promise I will never do that to you again, ever. I sacrificed my eternal happiness for a few short moments of instant, unlastiing satisfaction. I let that lie become my downfall. I had everything I could ever ask for, but I knew that sooner or later that lie would catch up with me.

Ever since I woke up six years ago on a Saturday morning, I've been in love with you. Life brings me more pleasure when you're in my life, then it does when you are not. You said we were soul mates and I feel the same way. There's no one I want to grow old with but you. Aren't we supposed to be together forever? I want to be. I've been in a daze for three years. Two of the best years of my life were spent with you, but I was too out of it to appreciate it. I do now, even if it is over. I was in the shadows, unable to reach out and help myself. Unable to ask you, because I knew the price I must pay. 

I'll come back in the way that you want me to, if that's what it takes to prove to you that I do love you. I'll be the man you want and need me to be. I want to now, more than anything. I've got this unending sick pit in my stomach knowing that you're not in my life anymore. No one can fill it, no one can repair this pain inside of me, except you. My life is changing, I'm seeing life in a new light now. I keep having this dream, almost every night. We are together, where we were in Sunlight Basin. I see the rainbow we saw, the beginning and the end. It gives me hope, the beginning of my life started with you. I want it to end the same way.

I've said a lot to you that I regret, and I've done a lot to you that I regret. Do you understand how I feel? Life could never be the same without you. I could never be happy knowing that I let you down, and there was nothing I could do to make it right. Tell me what I have to do to pay for this. What do you want from me? I'll give anything, and do anything. There must be some way I can prove to you that I mean every thing that I am telling you now. 

I can't ignore my heart, I can't close you out and say I want it like this or not at all, when I am to blame for all of this. That's not right of me. I've been hurting for so long, but I have no one to blame for my unhappiness except myself. Life is so short compared to what I could have with you, when it does end. I can't turn my back on you. I can't. I think of you constantly. I cry all the time, for you. I pray every night that we'll be together again. I'll do whatever it takes to be with you again, just tell me what I must do. I surrender to you. I need saving now. When I reached the bottom, it was then that I saw the top. I guess this had to happen to make me realize so much, and I have. Please understand. I need you in my life again, now more than ever. Please let me back in. Say there's something I can do, please. You love me, I know you do. I can't live without you. I don't want to imagine a life without you.

If that's what you want. If you don't want me in your life, just tell me one more time and I'll leave you alone. Have I hurt you to the point that you don't want to love me anymore? If I have, I'm truly sorry. There must be something I can do. I can't stop loving you simply because you are not around, I'll love you forever. I'm done making demands. I want nothing from you now except an open heart, and a hand to hold onto. I'll date you, I'll chase you, I'll call you, I'll write you, I'll listen to anything and everything you have to say to me. Is there nothing I can do to stir your heart? 

Please don't give up on me, don't close me out of your life. There's nowhere I'd rather be than with you. If this is past the point of saving, then there is nothing more for me to do but accept that fact. I still want to believe there's something left here, and I feel there is. Is there? There must be, please tell me we can start somewhere again, anywhere at all. I will be here for you always. I'll love you both, with all my heart, forever. Please tell me what I have to do to save this. Am I fighting for nothing? I hope not. I go to bed every night with thoughts of you and Kelle. You both pass through my heart and mind all the time. You're a part of me now and you always will be. I can't deny what I feel. I'll never stop loving you, ever. No matter what happens, I'll still be loving you. 

Remember when you asked me three months ago to go on a date with you, and I said no? I should have. And when you asked me to go to counseling with you? I should have. I'm asking you now to go on a date with me. I'll be at Maxwell's Restaurant, where we once shared a lemonade together, Saturday morning at 10 am. If you want to work through this, if you want to love me again, as much as I want to love you again, meet me there. If not, I'll take that as your answer and get on with my life. But know that I'll love you forever and be here forever if you don't. I'll never give up on you, ever. Please don't give up on me. I'll hope against hope and wish against wish that you'll be there. My heart will break all over again if you are not. Please come.

Love, Always, Forever & Eternally,

Ryan