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Fail The Test

April 24, 1996

Dear Ryan,

Well, I don't know what to say. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel like such a bitch in my life. I never ever said I thought it was okay that our relationship was over. Honestly, I cried so bad when I read your letter. It hurt me so bad that you had such harsh feelings for me. Ryan, I love you. What more do you want? I know you don't believe me. You pointed that out to me a number of times, but I do. I don't know if you realize that this is not about Erin and Bill. I can't stand being with you when you have eyes for anyone else! No. My feelings for Bill are not stronger than the feelings I have for you. How can you say that when I've been in love with you for over a year now?! It hurts. It's like someone took a knife and jabbed it into my heart a couple million times. Every time I saw you and Erin together when you two were going out, I wanted to run into a dark corner and hide. You're the person I thought I could say anything to, and you would understand. I guess I was wrong. Right now I'm listening to Firehouse, 'I Live My Life For You.' You do remember that song, don't you? You dedicated it to me when we first started going out. Well, just in case you don't remember, I'll refresh your memory.

You know you're everything to me
And I could never see
The two of us apart.
And you know I'd give myself to you,
No matter what you do
I promise you my heart.
I built my world around you
And I want you to know
I need you like I've never needed anyone before.

I live my life for you
I'll be by your side in everything you do
There's only one thing you can believe is true
I live my life for you.

I dedicate my life to you
You know I'd die for you
Our love could last forever
And I would always be with you
And there's nothing we can't do
As long as we're together
Just can't live without you
And I want you to know
I need you like I've never needed anyone before.

I live my life for you
I'll be by your side in everything that you do
There's only one thing you can believe is true
I live my life for you.

Bring back memories? Good! 'Cause I'm not finished. You remember the first day we met? Well I do. 3rd hour English. Mr. Kennedy. My first day back in Riverton High School. You were my newest friend. One day we skipped 5th hour and sat on the grass at the library. I went to see the play 'Oh, Fudge!' with Jason, just so I could see you that night. We went to the dance at the church together. Ryan, that was the best night of my life. It amazes me. After how hard I've worked to shout my love. Yet you doubt it. That hurts. It hurts a lot. Not one day goes by that I don't think of you. Every single day. I drive my friends mad talking about you constantly. All the guys at school hated you so much because I was yours, and ONLY yours. Maybe I should've just kept my mouth shut, and kept my feelings for Bill locked up inside of me, but it felt dishonest to you. Could you possibly have wanted to spend the rest of your life with a girl who wasn't over her ex-boyfriend? I hope not, 'cause I don't want to be compared to Erin the rest of my life. That's for sure. I just want you to only see me me when you think of love. Not Erin. Not Jessica. Not anyone but me. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm asking too much. But like it matters anyway. You hate me now, and have made it perfectly clear that you don't want me back. I'm sorry I screwed everything up so bad. I'm so stupid when it comes to just keeping my mouth shut. Oh yeah, by the way. You were right when you said that I was scared of your love. It's warm and it satisfies my needs. I have no regrets. Only losing you. I love you. You are sacred to me. FOREVER!

Love Always

Rita Rosalita Bisbee

P.S. I still want to see you this Summer. If you'll let me.

P.S.S. You didn't fail the test. I did, regrettably. 

Ryan, you were my first and my only love. Don't doubt me. Love is not temporary. Oh yeah, remember, it's only a lie when your heart says it's a lie.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WRITE BACK SOON!

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