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Just Listening

Listening to the stories they tell, and the jokes. Trying to smile, wanting to laugh, never clearly understanding the whole situation. Helps to just listen, better not to speak, needing to say something meaningful, but the topics never arise. Thoughts flood my mind and torture my tongue. When words do come, they fly off unnoticed, better left unspoken. Maybe these people don't understand and maybe they don't care. I'd like to think they do. Looking for a place to fit in, a place to be, a calm existence in a meaningful silence. Words and phrases are highly overrated. Looks, glances and casual exchanges do just as well. Someone told me once that I speak with my eyes. To be mute for a day would be an experience. Communication, they say, is the basis for any meaningful relationship. Body language, eye contact, gestures, are all essential. Frozen in the corner, silent and unheard is my chosen position. That's not the person I want to be. Social, outspoken, intimidating and overbearing, that's who I want to be. Drugs and alcohol bring that me out, nothing else. Somber, quiet and just existing is what I am now. Funny how caffeine, nicotine, pot and vodka make it all seem ok. But after they wear off and sobriety kicks in, and reality steps in, at times it's overwhelming. Fate is too funny. Uncontrollable and chaotic. Choices can either alter, condemn or exalt your existence. When you choose though, one can never tell what those moves or judgments will bring. So now I'm just listening, observing, learning and accepting reality for what it is. 

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