All Their Words

I lowered my walls and let you in. You asked me what was going on in my mind. But the second I showed my bleeding feelings, You broke those emotions wide open. My insecurities were your weapons, Twisting my words to fit your devices. You knew I was on the edge,  But you pushed me over anyway. You sat and watched me drown, Pushing all of my buttons, Pushing me deeper inside myself. You played my keys like a piano, Making me dance to your song. Wanting me hypnotized like a zombie,  Driven out of my mind. But I'll always be the one to blame, Tell the world I was your clam. Tell them I was insecure with emotions, Like a roach left to nibble on cookie crumbs, And the world will come to applaud you.

Dear You, I won’t curse you, but I won’t wish you well either. I wish you nothing, and may our planets never touch again. Please be happy, please be sad, be in peace, or afflicted by your reality, please feel anything and everything, whatever it may be, but please, do it far away from me.  You know who you are. Ryan

For your Birthday, I thought you'd appreciate some small gesture in keeping with our relationship... THPPFT! Ryan, I hope you enjoy your Birthday. I miss you much & think of you every chance I get. Love ya! Love Always, Rita Dec. 19, 1996

January 3rd, 1997 Dear Ryan, I've written this letter four times and I think it's better if I just cut the bullshit and get to the point. Ryan. This isn't working. We're either going to have to try harder with this relationship or call it quits. Since I've been down to Riverton for your Homecoming, you've sent me ONE letter, and a birthday card. Ryan, I can't just be there when it's convenient for you. I need some attention! I'm not saying you need to write me a letter every day, I'd just like to know what you're up to! The only explanation I have for this, is that you're cheating on me, and I would rather not think that. Ryan, I love you a lot, and I really want this to work out. I really do. I'm sick and tired of running to my mailbox everyday and finding nothing from you. I receive more mail from Nathan Laidlaw, and not only is he not my boyfriend, he lives in a whole different country! Ryan, that's pretty sad on your part. Rya...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are you? I'm doing fine. Things are looking up for me in ways, and down in others. I'm learning that all the hard work I've done in school is finally paying off. I'm graduating. I had my final band concert last Thursday. It was on stage, half way through the concert, and I realized I would never be there again and I started crying. Whether or not it was pain or happiness, I don't know. I just know that for eight hard years I dedicated my life to something I loved and cherished, and that will always be with me. I will always have those years to look back on. The hard, endless hours of practice, and those joyful moments of triumph. Knowing I was good at something. I earned my place and it will still be there when I come back. Some day it will have payed off. On brighter sides, I found a new job. I'm going to start working at the Buffalo Bill Historical Museum after I come back from Christmas break. The wages and the hours are really great, and ...

James, You're there every time I turn around. Just stay where you are, find something to do. Do you have to be a part, no matter what? You care more what people think than you should. You'll say anything, do anything if it impresses or gets you praise. I need a pair of blinders and ear plugs. I need a sound proof locked room, to forget about you. I go crazy when I know what you're thinking. I go mad when I know why you do what you do. I'm not saying change. Just live, for you. Live your life because you want to, not for anyone else. Impress, lie if you have to, why do you feel you must? People will love you if you just be the James I know you are. Just live and you'll find there's more to life than who we are. Ryan

November 29, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm o-kay- but could always be better. Is anything wrong? I haven't heard from you in a while. Well, it looks like I'll be in home school for second semester. So, I'll probably have more time on my hands. I'll hopefully be able to make it down to Riverton more often. If business at Maxwell's ever picks up. I went from four nights a week down to one. It's not good. I haven't been pulling in that much money. I don't know if I told you yet, but I'm for sure quitting band. I've changed my major from music education to zoology. It's really interesting. I want to go into the specific study of wild cats, like lions, tigers and panthers. I want to get into college in Africa so I can have access to them. Guess what? My parents, well, my mom anyway, wants to move to Idaho. She's hoping to move this summer. She says she misses the city and wants to go back so she has a place to shop. She's a...

Hate has never been so strong, Yet love has never been so deep. Passion has never been so hot, Yet loneliness has never been so cold. Desire has never been so constraining, Yet ignorance has never been so free. Purpose has never been so complete, Yet emptiness has never been so bitter. ~ RLJ ~ 

Thank you, Buck! Ryan Luke Jevne is a very nice name! 😊 You are acting your role as Buck splendidly!  👏👌👍 I am so pleased that you're singing 🎶 and acting 🎭 in the show!  Thank you! 😄 Star 🌟 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon. How are ya doin? Hang in there. It will soon be like it was, or better. Hopefully better. I've been really sick lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it. There's so much pain. It feels like someone is ripping my insides out. I'm constantly tired. If this keeps up I'll have to go to the doctor. I don't want to, but I might have to. I have good news and bad news. Good news first. My leg is pretty much o-kay- now, and I'm able to dance again, and the scratches on my face are practically gone. I have a little swelling left in my ankle, but it'll be o-kay-.  Now the bad news. I hope you are sitting down. Here it goes. I wrecked my car. Not bad, but it's not good. This lady in a black Eagle Talon slammed into me one day after school. She claimed I ran a red light and hit her. It's not true though. I cleared the light, and she jumped the gun. I tried to swerve, but she still got me. If I never would have swerved she would h...

Ryan, I sat there in the front row, there to see only you. You up there on the stage, working the magic you always worked so well. As I watched you work that mysterious magic, I knew that there would never be another like you. And that's when I knew I loved you. Jonah

Traveling alone on this journey called life, Clouded with hardships, struggles and strife. Moments brimming with love, Moments shadowed with despair. Could it be, in my hour of need, that I am left alone, Forsaken, to walk this winding road as one? Or could another be here, there, with me? There are times when I feel I shouldn't, Couldn't possibly go on. But then, as if a power beyond my own, lifts me, I do. Some unknown force is driving me, Some unseen being pushing me. Leading me on to better, or worse. Some say we choose our destiny. But I cannot agree, There is someone here with me. RLJ

Ryan, Wow! No matter how many times I read your letters, I never fail to get that sensation. And even a silly little grin that makes everyone wonder what I'm up to. I miss you, too. I keep the pictures of you in my car so I can see you everyday. You are so sexy! I'm not the only one that thinks so either. Some of my friends like to look at my pictures of you, and show everyone what their favorite pose of you is! (My favorite weren't in the pictures!) Beth and I were talking today, and she feels there should be more communication in our relationship. I guess I kind of agree. Maybe sometime we should just sit down and talk about life, maybe share things with each other that we don't know about. I think it would be nice, but it's up to you. There's so much more that we don't know about each other. I didn't try out for that play, but I am going to do speech. I've got to have something else in my life besides band. I fear I wore that out. I figure I can p...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are ya? I'm o-kay- Having a rough time with life right now, but I'm sure I'll make it. I'm considering quitting band, and changing my major. I'm getting sick of it. I worked almost my whole life to get somewhere with music, and sometimes it seems as if I'm getting nowhere.  I'm getting back into drama, and I think I'll do o-kay- I have a try out on Monday. It's the lead role in the 'Invisible Man.' I probably won't get it, but it's worth a try. Maybe I'll get something. Who knows?! My car's not fixed yet. I hope it will be soon though. I miss it. In a few months the windows will be tinted, and I'm going to have an awesome stereo in it. I'm getting a Pioneer CD player. It's sleek. Other than that I've been working a lot. Making mucho dollars so I can hopefully go down to see you for Homecoming. If I do though, I need you to look me up a place to stay if you could. It needs to be as cheap as p...

You are my man, My all desire. You are the flame, That burns my fire. You are the shield, That keeps me safe, From all the pain, That I may face. You are the cure, That heals my heart. You are the need, That I can't part. You are the one, I see in light. I know you're there, Into the night.  With Love to Ryan Jevne By: Rita Rosalita

Sat. Sept. 21, 1996 Ryan, Hey hon! Howz it going? I'm doing o-kay- for now. I miss you though. Gosh, this last week has been hard. I got really sick. For a while I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. Last Monday I was showing signs of a premature heart attack. Then as the week went on, I was told I might have an ulcer that was bleeding internally. On Friday my stomach got the best of me, and I finally went home. I slept for 26 hours! I woke up today and finally had the strength to go to work. So maybe everything will be o-kay- 'cause I feel so much better. My muscles still ache a bit, but I'm sure it's all fine now. I gave Beth your number just-in-case something did happen. I'm sure it's all o-kay- now. It just scared me for a while. I was so white, and I looked like shit. Glad you didn't see me. You would've ran like hell. N-E ways. So what have you been doing lately? I wrote you a poem. Hope you like it. It's not spectacular, but I'm...

Ryan, Even though you're so far away, you're in my thoughts every single day. All the passion I saw in your eyes, the way you held me under the starlit skies. As the hues set in and said their prayers, I was next to you and in your cares. I heard your heart say those sweet words, that comfort me every time they're heard. And in my soul I know it is true, when I say I will always love you. Rita Rosalita It's not my best work, but it's from my heart. I love you.