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Too Much At Stake

 5-6-98

Dear Ryan,

Hey hon! How are you? Good it sounds like. Things are good and bad here. It seems like everything in the past week has been a 'gain something - lose something.'

I got my new apartment. It's really cool. I love it. I'm not completely moved in yet, but I'll get there.

On the bad part of my week, I found out Wednesday that the girl I was best friends with where I grew up was killed in a car accident. Ryan, it hurt so bad. I couldn't stop crying for 4 days! I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I would see her. All I can think about are the things we used to do. Some were every day routines, others are special memories I'll always cherish. The thing that hurts the most is that I have nothing tangible to remember her by. God it hurts. I never thought I would have to face the death of a close friend like that. We're all so young and alive. Goes to show what alcohol can do. You don't even have to be wild for it to happen.

Well anyway, that's what has been on my mind lately. It will probably take a while to get over it.

You asked how the doctor's visit went. It was super! I gained back some weight, and the heart beat was loud and clear. The nurse said the baby and I appeared to be healthy and that I had the most amazing recovery she'd ever seen. She said it's very rare for a woman to get as sick as I was and when they do they either stay sick for all 9 months or lose the baby. 9 out of 10 times she says abortion is enforced.

The nurse also said the heartbeat sounds like a girl. I just laughed and said, "That's too bad, because it's a boy." I think they get a total kick out of me.

Anyway. I won't borrow money from Kyle anymore. He constantly insists but it doesn't feel right. I've been so independent my whole life. I'm not going to start depending on someone now. All it does is set me up for another heart break. I know that it bothers Kyle that I won't open up my feelings and thoughts to him, but I'm not ready to. When my friend died I was so upset he stayed with me for 2 nights 'cause I was such a mess, and that's the closest he's ever been to my thoughts and feelings. Kyle's temporary, and I don't want to have to regret anything after he's gone. I deal with that too much already. As much as he cares for me, I just don't love him. It will be a long time I think before I can trust any man with my heart. There's too much at stake. I can't think of myself anymore, I have to think of my child.

Anywayz. Blah. Blah. Blah. No more. I'll let ya go. Tell your family I said hi and I hope they're all well. Take care and BEHAVE!!

Remember this ---- Friends will come and go throughout your lifetime, but your family will ALWAYS be there. -k- Love Ya Lots!

Love Always

Rita Rosalita

My new address is: Rita Bisbee, 2109 Pioneer Ave. C-10, Cody WY 82414

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