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A Garden Without Flowers

Ryan,

You said, "write it down..." So here it is.

Why don't you see why I diet and exercise? I'm too fat. I am not fat obese, ect., I know that. Don't worry I am not going to develop Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa. I am not obsessed & I do not want to look like Venessa, she has no figure.

Okay. Now that we have established that let's try to help you understand. I need to lose weight. Ok? My waist is too big. You've seen me in my green dress. My waist looks like it's 3 feet wide. I have some inches to lose. I know I have large hips. I've been informed. I'm not blind. I can't lose bone. Just look at my Mom, I'm stuck with an hourglass figure. I'm not satisfied with how I look. I've been told repeatedly that I'm stupid, ugly & fat. I've had that driven in my head for years.

Most females care how they look. Don't tell me Venessa or your Mother don't care about their appearance. I care extremely how I look. I used to go nowhere if I didn't have my hair fixed & makeup on. Now I rarely wear makeup and go around looking like a ragamuffin. So what if I've lost 4 sizes in jeans? I'm still too fat. Look at the rest of the world. The "perfect" woman, 36" 24" 36", the "average" woman, 37" 29" 38". I don't have much to worry about on the ends. But my waist is too big. Even if it's smaller than average. 

I don't care if people say I should model. I don't accept the Miss Teen pageants entries even though I was accepted. I don't care if certain people think I'm "fine." Yeah right. So what if I wear the same bra size as my Mom? So what if shirts don't fit because the waist is too big?

I need something more, something real. Nobody cares, Ryan. I have no real friends. No one likes me & no one cares. You wonder why I'm not open. I've been hurt so often & so long, why should I be open? People our age joke & tease. Some would do anything for acceptance. 

Here I am. Little me with no talents, no life, no friends, no looks. I am alone in a big world without anyone. I have no moral support, no best friend, no one to talk to, no one to confide in, no one to lean on, no shoulder to cry on.

"Life without friends is a like a garden without flowers."

I can live, I can try, I can plaster on a fake smile when I'd rather cry.

Everyone is wrapped up in their own little worlds. Me, me, me. I just help others, serve others, and care far too much about others. I have many facades, but there are so many, the real me is hidden far away, alone and forgotten.

Oh how I need a friend. I need someone, something. I'll live...

Your Truly,

Elise Marie

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