All Their Words

 Dear Ryan,  I want you to know that I see you. I see the pain you've carried when no one was there to support you. I see the confusion, the moments when you felt small and alone, wishing someone would just hear you. You were so brave, even when everything felt like it was falling apart. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you back then. I was young, afraid and vulnerable. I didn't know how to be the strength you needed. But now, I want you to know that I see you, truly see you. I honor every part of you, even the parts that you thought were too broken to be loved. You were always worthy of love, even when it felt like the world didn't care. I know you wanted to be heard, to be loved for who you truly are. I want you to heal and to become everything you always wanted to be, before the world became so cold and dimmed that little spark in you, the one that wanted to be your true self. That spark is still there, and I want you to dream again, to feel that hope and exciteme...

  RyRy, Hey don't forget we have that thing out @ Delmona's church. Please stay here, I'll be back to get you @ 5:30. Please be here so I know what's going on. Love you Love Sandi  4:40 

  RyRy, hey I guess you really don't want to talk to me so I guess I must have done something wrong! to really upset you. I heard it is cause I talk too much about God. But how couldn't I? God saved me and I thought as my best friend you would understand. If that is true I feel like you are making me pick between our friendship and God, and if that is what you are trying to do, I'm not going to lie. I will go with God! Please read Psalms 28. "The Lord is my strength..." I was weak, now I'm strong and I can't hide it! I would love to see God's light in everyone I know! I didn't want to lose a friend over this decision in my life cause I lost my family and some of my friends. But you were the one I never thought would leave me. I never thought I would be standing with God alone! Ryan, please open your heart! Please don't shut the door to God. You can shut it to me, just not to God. Read the Holy Bible for it is how God talks to you! And once agai...

  Ryan, I'm so sorry about yesterday, I don't know what has been wrong with me. I have so many emotions running through me, some of the thoughts running through my head I want out and to be able to say what I'm thinking. But I don't know how to put it into words. I'm trying really hard...If I could I would stop what I'm feeling and push them aside, but I can't! I have been trying, I just don't know. I was told my whole life not to show my emotions and not to talk about them and I'm trying to get past that. But Ryan, it's hard and I hope you can and will be patient with me cause I treasure what we have, or had. I don't want you to think you have to take sides... cause you don't have to. I just need time and I will try to make it go as fast as I can ok. Ryan I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sooo sorry! I hope you can forgive me and I hope you understand what I have tried to tell you once again. I'm sorry. Love you, Love, Sandi Lyn ...

  RyRy Hey love pickel. Do you want a pickel? I'm up @ Heidi's and I want to treat you two to a pickel. So if you want that pickel, don't be a nickel, so cum! up and see us even if you don't want the pickel, so we can go get our pickle's ok. Ruf Yu Ruf Sandi Cheek's

  Ryan, We went to JB's to have coffee. We will be back around 9:00. Call Sandi's phone if you need anything. We left this ---> phone on the table if you need to use it. 851-6535 Joy & Sandi 

  RyRy, Hey I need the 30 dollars for bills. Please give it to Heidi or drop it off at my house. You know how to find me! Please let me know how you are! I'm sorry, what more do you want?! Please get me the money before the first, if you can't please let me know! SANDI 

 t o RyRy A friend is your biggest fan! that's me Love Sandi Cheeks!

 The Friend Who Stands By When trouble comes your soul to try,  You love the friend who just stands by. Perhaps there's nothing he can do - The thing is strictly up to you; For there are trouble all your own, And paths the soul must tread alone; Times when love cannot smooth the road, Nor friendship lift the heavy load. But just to know you have a friend, Who will stand by until the end. Whose sympathy through all endures, Whose warm handclasp is always yours - It helps, someway, to pull you through, Although there's nothing he can do. And so with fervent heart you cry, "God bless the friend who just stands by." B.Y. Williams For, Ryan. Who stands by...

  My Dearest Ryan, I was so excidleated to hear from you, in fact I think every one in the apartment knew I got a letter... Well being out here is now really hard with it being the holidays, cause I wish I could be in two places at once. I want to be with my family cause now I realize what I have missed out on in the past 4 years. But another part of me wants to be in Riverton with everyone else I love! But I'm quitting The Training Table and hoping to find a better job to make a bit more money so I can try to get out there cause I can't seem to save money! With all little of hours I get!!! I have to keep telling myself that not being able to run to you with every little problem I have makes me a stronger person! But I still need you forever!! I can't wait to start school. I want to start after Christmas. Then you can get done at CWC I'll be done, then I'm going to kidnap you! and runaway to Chicago and you can go to Broadway and I can go cook somewhere! But even if...

   SANDI, Your grumpy ass didn't seem to want to function at four in the afternoon, you lazy piece of junk!!! My sister's birthday party is at five, so that's where I'll be til around seven, seven-thirty. Jess Huh called from Lander, she'll call back later. She's gonna go to the derby at the fairgrounds, and was wondering what we were going to do... There's warm chicken!!! in the oven & rolls too. EAT UP! Later HOOCH!!! Luv,  RYAN P.S. Close my blinds at six or before you leave... Thanks!

  RyRy, Could you try to have me up by five. I need to go to Carolyn's. Love Sandi Yes hunny I will. Luv RYAN 

RyRy, Hey Love's, I just wanted to let you know that I love you and hope you have a safe trip! and wear your seat belt. Always remember that I love you and would do anything for you, like that song says, "if loving you makes a slave out of me then I'd spend my whole life in chain..." Have a safe and fun trip. Love, SANDI 

Bye Bye SANDI, Leaving now. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Left about 7:45. I took the thingy for safety. Be back Sunday afternoon. Have fun while I'm gone, and thank you for all you've done for me. I haven't been too grateful, but know that I really do appreciate every little thing you've done. Love you,  RYAN 

Ryan, Hello Hunny! How did you sleep? I hope good! Well I just wanted you to know that I love you and there is a full tank of gas! So drive careful ok! Wear your seat belt! Wake me up before you go. Ok, Love you. Love SANDI XOXOXO 

HIYA SANDI, You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you. I got up late so I hadda hurry and scat. I will be careful & wear my seat belt. Thanks for the gas. Be back late tonight or sometime tomorrow. I don't know which, depends on how the show goes. Ok. Luv you, hug you, bye, bye! LUV, RYAN 

  SANDI HUNNY, You be sleeping, and you looked so peaceful, didn't want to wake you. Just want to say LUV U and thank you for being endlessly understanding and patient with me. I know I am not easy to live with, you've been a saint. You really are a true friend. Be back around 9:30-9:45. RYAN 

   There once was a girl. And this girls name happened to be Sandi. She loved life and smiled all day long. Bad news comes and she frowns for a moment, then brushes it off and finds the bright side of every day. Bitchiness comes, too. But not for long. Sandi has a friend named Ryan. He's a bitch too, sometimes. But they are never bitches at the same time, unless of course they are both drunk and in an enclosed space for too long. And they were friends forever, and ever, and ever...

Hello RyRy! Well I just wanted to say Hello and let you know I'm thinking of you, too. I hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon. Love you Sandi P.S. I miss spelled fragile, that time I didn't, hope it made you smile 

  Dear My RyRy, How is you? I miss you so so much! I can't wait tell I can get out there with everyone just for a couple of days. I did not think I would miss everyone. But enough of that. My life is boring, I don't do much. Just read. I can't wait tell I can go to school, I want to cook so bad, I want to do something with my life, I'm not going to be a lump! But tell then I shall be a cute lump, hehe. Hey, question... When you read this letter do you hear my voice like in the movies, is it like I'm reading it to you, or is it like red, dry eye guy or is it your voice? Just asking. Well, give Danna May a big hug for me and tell her I love and miss her. Also Cam, but you don't need to hug him. I never thought I would enjoy living with Rebecca, but it is fun. We have our ups and downs like everyone but I love it! Well, I told you about the poem that I found it is very good, I liked it. I found it in a book my mom bought for me called "Poems That Live Forever....

  Ryan, HI! I'm in science. We're watching a movie again! I had a dream about you last night. This movie sucks!! All my parents talk about is you! They're starting to sound like me! Candace called me this morning and asked me what is wrong with your rabbit. So I told her what I thought. I told her that if something were to happen and your rabbit didn't make it that you could come get another one. Well, got to go.                                             BYE! I hope we can do something soon!  Love ya,   Erin P.S. If you get really board and have nothing to do call me. P.P.S. If you don't want to ask for me have Candace do it. 

  Ryan, I was board so I decided to write you. I'm in social studies and we're watching a movie on Eastern Europe and Russia. This kid named Nick Ervin asked Candace out. She said maybe but I know she'll say yes. Nick is writing her a note right now. My parents know about us. They found out cause I had one of my notes to you in my bag and my mom went through my bag and found it. So then she read it out loud and so now everybody knows. Oh well!! I don't think Adam is going to come to my locker. But oh well. Candace is too interested in Nick. Well, got to go.                     Bye                                     Erin Williams

  Ryan, What's going on? I have heard so many different things I don't know what to believe. I have been so upset that all my grades have dropped. And Brooke, all she talks about is YOU! She says that you like her better, but you don't want to break my heart. I'll finish this note in a little bit, I have to do a worksheet. O.K. I'm done. So I didn't believe it. But Brooke is the only one that I know of that talks about you at dance. So can we just forget all this ever happened? Are you coming to the band concert? I am cuz I'm in it. But I still love you and I hope you still love me too.  Love ya,                 Erin L-T-T-E   Love Til The End Write back and answer my questions. 

   Ryan, I'm fine. I can't stop thinking about Saturday either! I know it's hard to be nervous, but don't be. It's ok if you hold my hand, I like it. I know how you felt, I did too. I just hoped you would hold my hand. So you're going to stay in the motel? So am I. Me and Candace have dance Friday. What time do you usually get done with your paper route? I was thinking that when me and Candace get done at dance at 4:30 we could meet somewhere and when you were done with your paper route we could walk to the motel! I just want you to know you don't have to be nervous to hold my hand or whatever you want to do. I decided I should start giving you hugs instead of having Candace do it for me. Is that okay? I wanted to ask first, that way I wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable. Well that's about it.                 Love ya,                      ...

  Hey Sweety!  So watz up? Not much here. I was board so I thought I'd write. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but I don't have what I need to do it. Sorry I was so pissy when I was at your house. I didn't feel good. I can't go a single hour without thinking of you either. All I talk about anymore is YOU! I really love you and can't wait tell I can see you again. I understand why you didn't kiss me. I always like to be sure before I kiss someone. But I wanted to kiss you sooo bad. I just didn't have enuf guts. But next time if you're sure you want to, go ahead and kiss me. I just wish I could have seen you longer. But I'll call you sometime SOON! I ❤️ U Erin

  Hey babe, Don't be sorry for not being able to stay in the motel. It wasn't much fun anyway. It would have been more fun if you were there, but that's ok. Did you think I said 'oh well' about your grade? If you did, I didn't! I told Candace that I thought the school mixed your grade up with someone else's, cause there's no way you could of had an F! Even if they didn't that's not going to change the way I feel about you! I really LOVE YOU!!!! By the way I don't want anything for Valentine's Day! If you want to do something on the 10th or the 17th I can. You do sound like a totally different person in your letters. You're always so shy around me, but not in your letters! I suppose I'm the same way. I hope you don't mind my sloppy handwriting, but my stupid mom keeps asking me what I'm writing.                                         ...

  Ryan, Hi! Sorry that note was so sloppy. I had to hurry and write it because my mom kept bugging me! I think my parents know about us because they always say "How's Ryan?" But my parents won't care. If they do it's their problem not mine.                                                                             * Sorry about that, it was time to change classes. I'm at home now. You'll probably think this is really sad, but I couldn't wait to see you, so I slept with your note. So you can't stay in the motel, oh well. I need to see you every day. Well, I have to go feed the rabbits so I'll write again soon!                     ...

  Dear Ryan, Are you mad or something? It just kind of sounding like it in your last letter. Do you know Rita's last name? I was just wondering because I know a Rita in highschool. She works with my Dad at Mammoth Music. My parents know your name and who you are. Yes, I love you! Why wouldn't I? I love you but maybe you don't love me. Do you love me? I think Candace is getting mad because I can't stop thinking about you. In case you're getting sick of my letters I'll let you go.                                                                 Erin P.S. Sorry it's sloppy, I'm writing in the dark. 

  Ryan, If you wanted your necklace back you should have asked for it. But you can't have it back cause the chain turned silver and so did the heart and the diamond fell out so now I don't know where all the pieces are.                                                                         Erin 

  Ryan, I really miss having you there. You mean so much to me. But if you decide to stay with Rita, I understand. I only want the best for you! I LOVE YOU!

  Sorry So Sloppy Ryan, Candace didn't tell me that she told me that you broke up with me to go out with Rita. But anyway I really miss you and being with you, but not being able to have you is driving me crazy! But I'm not sure what you're asking? I still love you, too! Write back,                         Erin Ryan, Trust me, she's driving me crazy, too!! about you. Candace Jevne 

  Ryan, Nothing is going on in school. I had fun seeing you too! I really wanted to do things with you but couldn't. I really really miss you and can't stop thinking about you either. I'm not going to get myself in trouble with Brennon. I haven't talked to him since that happened. But what I did wasn't as bad as Candace! But it's not like that has never happened before. But you know when you told everybody that you frenched Rita. I was ready to cry and I wanted to leave cause I didn't want to hear anymore. But that's behind me now. I would really like to be friends with you. Sorry I've been so pissy! Talk to you later!                                                 LATERS!!                             ...

  Ryan, Hey! So what's going on with you and stuff? Haven't talked to you in a long time. So I thought I'd write. Me and Candace have been getting in fights lately. But oh well! I'm in Math. Just finished a test and I can't wait tell the bell rings! School is kind of dumb now that I got used to it. I'm so happy tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! Candace is still working on her test. But that's Candace for ya! I really liked these two guys, but now I think they're JERKS!!! Well got to go.                         BYE                                     Erin P.S. Talk to you later!! 

  Dear Ryan, I am really sorry for being a  Blank !! when I was at your house Saturday. I got pissy because you were there and I couldn't have you. I really thought I was over you, but I was wrong. I thought I could come over and be able to have fun and not think about what happened. But all I did was think about you and all that happened. I know you don't want to hear anymore so I'll stop.                                                         BYE             Love Always,                                     Erin Sorry So Short!! 

  Ryan, Well here's another note. Guess I am just in that writing mood, that or well, nevermind. Please, if you don't like me tell me in as nice a way as possible. I don't think I could stand to have my heart broken again, especially by you. I am not trying to pressure you into anything, I just really like you. Please don't use the excuse that I'm too young for you because both you and I know that's not true. I know that you're still involved with Rita, but all that I'm asking for is one more chance. I don't know why I can't seem to get you out of my head. Guess you're just too special to me. Me and Venessa are starting to be friends again. So I am happy about that. I am serious, I have every single note you've ever given me, except for the one when you called me a bitch and told me I could find a new boyfriend to tell my lies to. Do you remember that? I do. I will probably never forget that. Also, now if I have a problem with you I will ...

  Ryan,  😃  Please don't show this to  anyone ! I just wanted to tell you that seeing you at school makes me realize how much I still want to be with you. There is so much I want to tell you about my life. I don't know, but you could probably care less, about me and my life. PLEASE believe me when I tell you I still love you, or the old Ryan anyway. I want to have the chance to get to know you again. I am trying so hard to get my life back together and right now I need a guy to be my friend. Please take me seriously! Write me back or call just to let me know what you think. 856-7351                                             Signed,  Erin P.S. I still have all of your notes, and I read them often. If you don't like me and don't want anything to do with me  please  tell me and I'll leave you al...

  Ryan, I'm not going out with Matt! I'm in love with him but he's  not  in love with me. He can be a real dick sometimes and he is starting to piss me off! I don't know why I love him. I want to call you but I'm afraid to. I guess I'm afraid that when I hear your voice I'll start to cry. I know my dad's a jerk. I just don't get him. My life is so screwed. I am not supposed to be friends with Candace or Venessa. I am in love with two people, one who likes me for who I am. (YOU) The other one is on drugs and isn't going to have a brain left. (Matt) I don't know what to do. I feel like I could cry. I can't believe this is happening to me. I have one more question. What would you say if I said to hell with Matt and asked you out? Please write back or call. -k-.                         Love Always,                           ...

  Ryan, Hi! So you stayed home sick today, HUH? Well that's a bummer. I was hoping that I could see you today. But if you don't feel good then you shouldn't come to school. I am so glad you called me last night. I hope you will call me again. I want to talk to you some more. I want you to know the real Erin. I want to know the real Ryan. I hope you want to get to know me. If all this is too much for you, tell me and I'll back off. Anyway I have to go now, but please, if you're not busy, call me.                     Sincerely,                                         Erin P.S. I don't want you to ever have any regrets with me. 

  Ryan, Hi! I have a question. Does Rita know that you've been talking to me? Because if she doesn't then I think you should tell her so when she finds out she doesn't get too pissed and kicks my ass. Vivian Baker told me that you're going to dump Rita and go out with her sister. Is this true? I don't care if it is, I just want to know. I was going to call you but then I got busy and completely forgot. SORRY. But anyway, if sometime I'm board and need someone to talk to I'll call you. Or if you're board and need someone to talk to you can call me. -k.- Gotta Jet!                     BYE Love ya,             Erin P.S. My dad almost ran me and my little brother over this morning. 

Ryan, Hey! I love you more than Matt. It's just that he is a jerk on the phone, but then when I'm with him I just fall in love. I'm going crazy! I just wish that there wasn't so much standing in my way. Next time I see Matt I'm going to slap him so hard he's going to be sorry that he treated me that way. That FUCKING JERK! Sorry, but I'm so pissed off. I should have him come over tonight just so I can slap him. This morning I talked back to my Dad and he tried to put a plastic sack over my head, so I kicked his ass. I really want to go back out with you, but I don't know what to do about Matt. When you came to my party and you and Paul were sitting in my living room I almost walked in there and gave you a kiss, but then Matt walked in my door, so then that idea went out the window. Candace is starting to piss me off. Well hey, if your board tonight call me. I'll be the only one home. 6-7351                         Lov...

  Ryan, Hi! I got your note & that's fine if you stay with Rita. But you will always be one of my best guy friends, so what do you say about that? I really miss you, but whatever will make you happy is fine with me. -k-! But you have to promise me one thing, we'll still talk! I feel really bad like I hurt your feelings for some reason. Will you tell Rita "HI" for me the next time you talk to her? I'll still love you, too. But if this is the way you want it then that's the way it will be. You can call any time if you want to, you don't have to -k-!                 Erin

  Dear Ryan, Hi! So how's life been? Fine here except for the fact I went out with that jerk, Terry. But I won't make you listen to that.  PLEASE  don't think anything less of me cuz of him. (Terry) I don't want you to think I'm a slut or anything. I just want to be honest with you. I really thought I was over you, but tonight when I saw you I thought I would give anything to have you back. Well, thanks for listening.                             Love Always,                                                         Erin P.S. Please W/B and tell me what you think of me. Tonight if possible. Sorry So Sloppy

  Ryan, Hey, how's it goin'? Okay here, I guess. About Friday. Remember I asked you to come to my house and talk? Well anyway, you don't have to worry about anything. My mom will be working in Lander and my dad is leaving early that morning for Ft. Collins. All I want to do is talk, that's it, nothing more. -k-. So, please, don't be afraid. All I want is to just sit and talk with you. I feel as if I could tell you anything. Can I? Well anyway I just realized I'm the only one not copying something out of this book. So will you  PLEASE  call me tonight? I'll be waiting!                                                                                          Sincerely,            ...

  Ryan, Vivian is like stupid. She's not here today, she didn't come to school so I couldn't talk to her. But the next time I see her she's going to get a big piece of my mind. What am I going to do? I love you sooooooo much but I love Matt a lot too. If we ever went back out I'd probably never see you. Your parents don't trust me and my parents don't trust Candace or Venessa so I don't know what to do. I said hi to Ben (Matt's little brother) today and he looked at me like he'd never seen me before. It was way funny. I didn't tell Vivian I wanted your body and I'd kill to get it. I've thought about it though. I'm going crazy. Matt is a fast mover. He doesn't really think about what he's doing until he's doing it, he just goes for it. Sometimes it's cool, but other times I begin to think he's going too far and won't stop. He just kinda starts to go crazy. I guess he's been hanging out with Robyn too lon...

  Ryan, I'm in so much trouble. I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know what to do. I just hope my dad won't hit me again. But nevermind that. Yes I still love you. And the only reason I went to the play My Fair Lady was to see you. So I don't know what you were talking about. That note you wrote me got stolen and that really pissed me off. Candace told me that you were going to marry Rita, and it really hurt me when she told me that. I have always been that wild, I just didn't ever act that way at your house. So now you know the real me. I didn't mean to make you jealous, but I didn't think that me acting that way would make you jealous. I'm sorry! If you asked me back out I would have to think about it. I know I told you that I love you cause I do, but I'm also in love with Matt, so I really don't know what to do. I hope you're not mad. I understand that it would be hard for you to break up with Rita. So if you don't want to th...

  Ryan, I thought that you weren't going to take any more notes from me. But any way Candace told me that you said you're not over me. You also asked her if I was going out with anyone. Why would you want to know that if you already have a girlfriend that you are going to marry? I still like you and seeing you Saturday made me realize that I'm not over you either. I tried not to think about you but no matter how hard I tried you kept popping into my head.  Please  write back and tell me what's up with you.             Love Always,                                     Erin W/B P.S. I made Candace tell me what you said.  

  Ryan, Yesterday in your letter you said I didn't love you. But I do. I've had so many mixed feelings about this. I'm not even sure what I lied about. And I'm sure somewhere down the line something that I supposedly said was over-exaggerated. I'm  really  sorry! So if you want to give this relationship another chance that's perfectly fine with me. I never wanted this to happen. I never imagined this could happen. So once again, I'm  really  sorry. I still love you even though you broke my heart into a thousand pieces. So please write back and tell me what you think.                             Erin Williams

  Erin. I don't know what you're up to, but either you're over me or you're not. Truthfully, what am I to you? Tell me honestly. I really need to know for sure. I'll admit, too, I'm not completely over you either. So tell me, spill your guts... Ryan. I would like to think of you as a best friend and as a hope to be boyfriend, but I know that's probably not how you think of me. So if you want to just forget me, I'll understand. W/B if you have anything to say. Forget you?! Never! Tell me. You still mean a whole lot to me. Now please, tell me. What do you want to hear? That I still really like you and want to be your girlfriend again? Well if that's what you want to hear, then there you go. That's what I said and that's what I meant and that's how I feel. If I were to ask you out, what would you say? You think we'd last if we gave it another chance? Ryan, you already know what I'd say if you asked me. And who knows if we'll last...

December 20, 1996 Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. As usual. But I still am peachy keen.  WOW! You kissed her. Even though, my opinion doesn't count. I'm glad you found someone you can get into. Did you tell Rita? Or are you two still a thing? If you like the girl you met, and she likes you, more power to the both of you. I guess I'm just not that forward. I mean, I haven't ever just went up to a guy and grabbed him, no matter how fine he is, or how much I want him. Well anyways, I'm glad you had fun.                                             Jill P.S. You didn't call me! P.P.S. Write back - since I won't see ya for 2 weeks. 

  O-lay! I'm back! You were mean to me in the hallway. I'm always nice to you. I never teased you or pulled your hat. But I guess I'll forgive you.  Question - k - I've probably already asked, but - what to you do, if you like someone, and they like you, but you feel like you are too good of friends?  Guess what? During the first part of second period, we were giving out candy for FBLA. But you already knew that. Anyways, I was giving this guy a kiss (chocolate) and he kissed me!  Another thing - well I guess I can't be mad at you for kissing her cause when I was going out with Bobby, I was mad at him, and I snuck his best friend in my house at 1:00am. Now, even though we have been broke up for two months, I feel really guilty. I don't think he knows, maybe that's the problem.             See ya,                         Your Jill P.S. Write Bac...

  Ryan, Hey! I'm on my way to Vegas. It's a boring trip, but I'll live. What I wanted to talk to you about, was I never talk to you. Remember, we still have to do something together. I've been really busy because I got a job at KTRZ, and I work at all hours. I'm the assistant sports director. I'm so happy, only three months 'til I'm 16. It's great. Then there's you, aren't you turning 18 in December, or am I way off? Anyways, think about something you want to do. I'll bring you something. Love your friend,                         Jillian Anne I'll write more later. 

  Ryan, Hey you! I'm just peachy!! Anyways. I told you I would write you about my life, so I will. See I do really care about Sonny. It's just that I think it's important that people live life to the fullest and enjoy others company. There is so much out there and so many people to meet. But sometimes it seems worthless because people you really enjoy are afraid of getting close to you for fear they may realize that they have been missing out on a lot. It's not that I'm saying it's not possible to wake them up, but I've been trying so long I want to give up, but I can't. Tosha told me to be careful, but I'm tired of being careful. I want to be reckless and just make my move. But I'm afraid of being pushed away. This probably makes no sense to you, but I wish people would just take a risk and try something new every once in a while. Do you understand? I wish someone could help me with my Trig. I'm failing for the third week in a row. HELP! I...

  Ryan, Well, it's been a really, really long year. I'm really glad I got to meet you. You're a real cool guy, and I love you, man! I think that Rita is a lucky girl, she must be wonderful. I hope you'll always be my Jack! Love,             Jill Maulik 

Dear Tom,  I love how seeing you, even for a few moments, still makes me weak in the knees. I love you. See you soon.  Your Ryan 

  Ryan, Hi! How are you doing? I'm alright, back here at school.  It was really amazing to see you. I really think that it is awesome that you are the type of person that I can just sit with and not say a word, and know everything will turn out in the end. It always does - I know you deserve only the best and it will all come to you. Ryan, I really want you back in my life. I could tell you anything and you wouldn't judge me. And I know that I can help you. Let's be there for each other. We both could really use a friend right now. Oh well! School is crazy and lonely. I have friends here, but I still feel that I am a million miles from the people that love me. It's been really hard this past month. I have been in and out of the doctor's office and hospital because they found ovarian cysts. They can't really do anything about them right now.  Anyways! I really hope to hear from you soon. Call 776-7418 or write whenever. 203 Hill Hall, Laramie, WY 82071. Also reme...

  Ryan, Hey bugger! Whatz up? Nothing much here. Just peachy as always. You never call me anymore, or write me. Why not? We really need to hang out. We don't even need to kiss. Just joking. Sonny and I have been going out for six months. Cool, huh? Call me!             Jill

  Ryan, Hey you! I voted for you for Homecoming Royalty. I hope you aren't mad about being nominated. I'm the President of OM Club, and I figured you wouldn't care. Call me or write me, 856-3010, you know that. C'ya          Jillian Anne 😃

  Ryan, !Oye!? Que pasa? Nada here. I'm just peachy though, as always. Anyways! All my classes are cool. English is cool. And Spanish is totally awesome. I might get to move to Spanish II cause I know so much Spanish. Geometry is cool, too. We had to draw pictures.  Well, if you have time tonight, call me. -k- I have FBLA tonight 'til about 8:15. 7:30-8:15. We are working on decorations for the Morp Dance. Why is Ashley driving you nuts? They are all driving me nuts cause of CD's, fingernail polish and guys. I'll explain later. -k- That's cool that Jessi asked you to the movies. Is she still your sunshine? Call me. -k-                                 Jill

  Ryan, Hey hon! Whatz life like on your side of the school? All's peachy here, as usual.  I think your friends are starting to like me a little more. You have to let me read your story -k- Your poem in the school newspaper is way good. I have one copy in my locker and one hanging on my wall. At lunch I think you were flirting with me just a little. Go ahead, admit it. Love as always,                     Jill

  Ryan, Listen. -k- I want more than anything to be a part of your life. I would do anything to feel your touch or the sweetness of your lips against mine. I wish I could tell you how much I care. I'd tell you I love you, but I don't know what love it. I have never felt like this before. I want to be a part of your life. I want to know you. I want to help you find your heart. Let me be in your life. Please!                     Jill Please write back!!!

  Ryan,  Hey you! I'm tired. Not of life, or of people. Just tired. We had practice this morning, it was actually pretty fun. This class blows. Trig is so hard.  It was good to talk to you last night. I guess I just missed hearing your voice.  Everything will work out with Rita. I promise, but you also need to remember it may not be meant to happen. Live life day by day. You shouldn't be afraid of being close to me. It's important that you have people in your life that you are close to. I want to be a part of your life.                             Love, your bud,                                                 Jillian Anne P.S. I still want to hold you!

  Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm just peachy as ever.  Anyways! You looked really nice last night, and you looked real thrilled, too. So how was prom? I had a blast getting my writing award for the essay I wrote on America. I got this cool plaque and certificate. I'm really excited for World OM. I leave ten p.m. on June first or second. I'll write you. -K- What address should I write you at? Have you talked to Rita lately? Are we still going to go out to eat or the movie or something as friends? I'm excited about doing my scene from Romeo and Juliet. I get to do it tomorrow. I borrowed a dress from Ms. Peck. It's really cool. !Hasta!             Jill Write Back

   Ryan, Hey hon! You never write me or call me or hug me anymore. (You never kiss me either.) I guess you just don't love me and that makes me unpeachy.                     Laters,                                     Jill

  Ryan, Alright, you said you regret not getting to know me more, so get to know me. It's not that I wouldn't go out with you, but I guess I've realized you and I are not made for each other, the feelings aren't equal. Anyways! I don't work 'til 4:00 tomorrow. I'll be at the old house all day - unless I have something to do - hint!                                             Anyways! Write back  today !                                                     Jill

  Ryan, Good luck at the play tonight. I promise I'll come tomorrow. I miss talking to you. I tried earlier this week, but nobody was home. Life has been great since I stopped hanging out with Sonny. You're graduating soon. I'll miss you so much. Next Thursday is my last day in school. I leave for Orlando Monday night, but I have work Friday. I'm sad I haven't gotten a senior picture from one of my best friends, hint hint. What do you want for graduation?                  Love always,                         Jill It's so amazing how much we have gone through this past year and a half. I know that there is a lot there that neither of us want to bring out. I know that sometime, someday, we will sit down and tell each other all we have always wanted to. I know you see me as a little girl, but you'd be amazed in my change over the past few mon...

  Afraid   He says I have eyes like stars, Shining in the night, Blinding passers by. He doesn't know my eyes. He says I have a heart of gold, Pure and honest, Big and bold. He doesn't know my heart. He thinks he knows my eyes, My heart. He's afraid to know me. To know why I blink. To know for what my heart beats. He says I have the touch of an angel, Mystically calming, Mending his pain. He doesn't know my touch. He says I have the beauty of a daisy, Simple and true, Full of love. He doesn't know my beauty. He thinks he knows my touch, My beauty. He's afraid to know me, To know my gentle touch, To see my inner beauty. He doesn't see me, What's on the outside. That's him, It's not me. I'm afraid for him to know me, He might not like it, It may push him away. My eyes are like fire, Burning his soul, Scorching his love. I know my eyes. My heart is a mirror, Continuously broken, Reflecting my past. I know my heart. I know my eyes, My heart. I...

  Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm just as peachy as ever. Yeah, peachy!! So I come back to do a scene out of Romeo and Juliet, but now I don't have anything to work on. But it was worth it. I won the best Juliet prize. (Five points extra credit, candy and a certificate.) I miss you, just like you told me to. That's cool you have a friend like Brendis to hang with. I usually talk to Sonny, but I feel more comfortable talking to you. Anyways! What are you doing this weekend? I have OM and a car wash tomorrow. Plus my Aunt Helen is coming from Denver.  Well, I should go, have to go to the office. !Amor!         Jill Call me or write me sometime. I called last night but you weren't there. 

  Ryan, I can't believe you! I trusted you to keep our problems to ourselves. You always make such a big deal about how you want Sonny and me to stay together, and then you go and let the girl with the biggest mouth in school read notes that are only our business. I hope you're happy, now things are screwed up with Sonny. So if you wanted me out of your life, I hope you're happy.  You succeeded!

  Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm pretty peachy, as usual, but I've been better. I guess it has just been a long day.  About Prom. I'll admit, I'm pretty bummed. I know I'm not Rita, and that's why I asked you to go with me as a friend. I guess I just got excited because you told me the reason you weren't going is because you didn't have any money, so Tosha and I figured out a way it wouldn't cost hardly anything. I don't know, I guess it was stupid for me to even ask. But I guess I can go to Casper to get my money back for my letter jacket instead.  I'm sorry I'm not trying to pull a guilt trip about my feelings.                 See ya around,                                     Jill Write Back -k- Please P.S. The only good thing about this whole situation is I got a good tan.

  Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm peachy, though. Just wanted to say hey so ya knew I still cared. Still love ya. I really, really, really like Sonny. Four months in eight days. Cool, huh? Write back -k-                  Love ya,                         Jill Call me or talk to me             -K- Your teeth look good!

  Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I hate the last day of school. I feel like I'm saying goodbye forever. I still have one test left today. English is gonna suck. Well, I'm excited. I have welding, auto, choir and athletic conditioning next year. Those were the classes I really wanted. I hope you have a great summer. I'm glad I met ya. Stay cool. -k-  See ya later,                 Jill I'll call ya. -k-

  Ryan, Hey! Please don't run away from me. That's the last thing I want. I don't want you to be afraid of what could happen. The only thing I can say is if we give each other a chance and it works, it was meant to be.                 Your, I don't know,                                     Jillian Anne

  Ryan, Hey! I need your help. Sonny and I have been fighting all the time, and I don't know what to do. Plus there are two other guys that call me all the time that really like me. HELP!                         Love,                                 Jillian Anne

  Ryan, I hope I can explain all that's on my mind. Well here it is: I don't want to have you in my life so I can make out with you and all that stuff. I want a good friend that would come over and talk, hug me when I need it, and just hang out. I don't want you to leave Rita, and I don't want to leave Sonny, but I want you to be my friend. I don't have any real friends. I guess that's why I push you so much. If I seem pushy about "being with you" it's just because I'm a flirty person. Please try to understand. If you can come see me tonight before 8:00. I need help with my speech piece.                                 Your friend,                                         Jillian Anne Carpe diem. (It's Latin) P.S. Maybe we can ...

Dearest Rueben, The time I thought that we would have was taken from red to black. I said things I can't take back, and I don't know how to live with that. There's a darkness that I've known and it's shaken me to stone. It kills me you might not know, after all, I know I don't let you see, but you mean the world to me. And I know that I can be pretty mean, but you mean the world to me. What the hell was wrong with me? I just stood there and watched you leave. I am not this ice king, and you think I don't feel anything. There's a fear that I've known and it's cut you to the bone and I'm so sorry I've never shown just how much you hold. I know I don't let you see but you mean the world to me. Ryan Luke 

Ryan, Hey! How's everything hangin' with you? All's good here as always. I'm just peachy, of course. Anyways! You didn't call me or write me or anything for almost two weeks. You did great on Friday. So good I almost went back on Saturday. Your outfit was really sexy too!!! Oh baby!!  Well, I guess I'll see you tonight, right?! !HASTA!                    Jill Love ya! (as a friend of course) 

  Ryan, You're right, people will find out what we talk about, but why do you always expect me to be there for you, but you are never there for me? I don't understand you and exactly what it is that you want. I don't know why, but it's important you are my friend. But you called me some very mean, and inappropriate things. Sonny loves me, he understands why I am the way I am and loves me for me, that's why we worked things out. (after I wrote you) I'm sorry for what I said, I just wish that you were. I wish you could understand why I was so mad. Heidi has caused problems for me before and I'm sick of it!! At any rate, I think I know you, and I know you will regret what you said about me, even though I'm immature and whatever else it is you think I am. (That really hurt me, Ryan, and I hope I never hurt you like that.) If you want to work things out call me or come over. If you don't I'll assume you've made up your mind.             ...

  Ryan, Go to prom with me. Just hear me out. -k- All we need to do is come up with the money for the tickets. We can make supper. - I mean Tosha and I can make supper or dinner rather, for you and her date at her house. Or if you don't want to do that we might be able to do it at my grandma's house. About what you'll wear - you can wear dress slacks and a nice shirt, a vest if you have one. As for flowers, my grandma and I can make them from silk flowers. We would have fun. Tosha will do my hair, and I already have a dress. We would go as friends, good friends. Let me do this for you, for me, please. I could make you hamburgers like I said I would. Sonny doesn't care either. I'll talk to you before the end of lunch. -k-                     Your friend,                                 Jill My grandma...

  Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here at all. I'm not very peachy though. I hate it when school gets out for the summer. I don't get to see my friends hardly at all. I'll write you from World OM -k- I don't know what address to write to, so I'll probably write you at both addresses.  My parents have funny punishments, but I won't argue and push it. Betsy wants to know if you're mad at her. Hope I see you tomorrow. Love Always,             Jill Write Back 1003 E. Adams, Riverton, WY 82501

  December 2, 1996 Ryan,  Since you told me you like poetry, so I thought I would tell you this really cool poem that is one of my favorites. -k- "I'm Nobody! Who Are You?" By Emily Dickinson I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us - don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog! Cool, huh? I'll let you read some of the poems I have written some time. I have never actually had anyone to read them. Maybe you will understand them. You and I seem to be a lot alike. See ya later,             Jill

  June 2, 1998 Alright, if you are now reading this it is because I consider you to have been a large part of my life for the past year or more. All I want to say is thank you to those of you who have given me the new look on life that I am now taking. I know that I have done many things in the past. I'm not sure how long that I have hurt you all very deeply. That is why with this letter comes a new me, and a new look on life. Before I leave I want to say a few things that people have told me in the past few months that I found today. First off I found a letter that had never been opened over at the other house. Its contents were amazing, and I would like to share them with you. "It's just crazy, the way life goes. It's some psycho plan of an insane man, a twisted joke that few find humorous. It's just too weird. Sometimes life is a round room with no gravity and nothing to hold on to, where we just fly out of control and laugh away. And sometimes life is a free fa...

  November 22, 1996 Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm peachy as usual. -K- I guess I'm confused. My friend told me that you said I asked you out. I'm sorry, I didn't. I NEVER will ask a guy out. I haven't yet. Plus I hardly know you, plus one of my friends still likes you. All I really wanted to know about was OM. OM is my life, besides cheerleading. I'm not saying I wouldn't go out with you, I'm just saying I don't ask guys out.                     See ya,                                     Jill P.S. Write Back 

  Ryan, It seems like lately everything has been drifting away from me. The two most important people in my life are going the fastest. I wish that just for once someone would stop telling me I'm confusing them. Maybe my thoughts are more complex than everyone says. I sat there the entire lunch period and stared at the window. All my friends say I act like I'm not even here. Do I act like that? Sorry. I had to tell someone. Thanks for your time.             Jill Call me if you can -k- 6-3010 

Your cell phone rang & I picked it up & flipped it open - shame on me as I disconnected it. It then rang again & I ignored it - twice! I thought perhaps you could open it to look at a picture. Shame, shame on me.  

  Dear Ryan,  You're delightful and a real treat to be around, a regular jack who's so down to earth. What you see is what you get with you. No pretenses, no false fronts, no ulterior motives or ill intentions. You're one to say what you're thinking with your eyes, you can never hide behind lies, and your sighs give you away. Although you're an exceptional actor, you shed those roles only to recreate yourself whenever you feel you need to. I suspect you've got some secrets and perhaps you very well could be a demon in disguise. But I seriously doubt the dark side of you isn't just as beautiful as the light side. You're no one's fool and you're fooling no one. You've simply got to walk in any room and your energy speaks for itself. You're one of a kind, and don't tell anyone, but I think my heart might become rather fond of you. Your co-star and backstage stooge, Jonas D.

  November 25, 1996 Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm in Oral Interp. This class is just about the most boring class in the entire world. Anyways! Don't worry, Betsy isn't at school today. I don't know why she is so mad at me. Well I do, but that just isn't fair. I mean if I want to like you, I can. And if I want to ask you out, I can very well do that. I don't want anyone to tell me what I can and can't do. I'm seriously getting tired of people telling me I can't do something. I mean the doctors tell me I can't do cheerleading. Mr. Clucas says I can't get a B or better in Algebra II, and I'm really tired of everyone telling me I could never get you. Sorry to push all my crap on you. I'm excited for Thanksgiving because we get fish. You have to give me your address, so I can write you this week. Plus, now that we are friends, you've got to tell me if I have to give you a Christmas present, cause I will get you something in L...