All Their Words

Dear Ryan, Hey Love! I'm just sitting here in my room thinking about you. The only thing I've done all week! It's also the best thing I've done all week! Seriously. My whole week has been pure hell, and I always find peace thinking of you. And why not? You're so sexy! Your hair, your eyes, your hands, your lips. Well, I better stop before I get carried away with myself! I do tend to get carried away at times. It's going to be great though. Being with you. Nothing and no one else matters. Just as long as there is still us, and that picture of you in the tub. By the way, I loved that picture. So did all my friends. Don't worry, they still think you look cute, and I still think you're hot shit! Always. Well, seeing I'll be giving you this note when I see you, I guess you know now that I will not be coming down for Homecoming. I think I need to let a few girls know they can look, not touch! And if it doesn't sink through, I'll just brand it in th...

Dear Ryan,  I want to make this letter an ode to you. From my heart. I always dream and never wake. Just to save an image of you. I try to give more than I take. I keep close friends to a minimum few. I cherish all our memories made. I look forward to so much more. Knowing our love will never fade, keeps no reason for me to implore. I see a star fall from the sky, and make a wish for you. And as the days fast fly by, I realize that they've all come true. I bathe my mind and wash it clean. To save the room I need. For there's so much more that's to be seen. Once we're in the lead. I make a promise to only you. It's safe inside my heart. I know it shall be accepted and true. It's that our love shall never part! I love you! Rita Rosalita

Dear Ryan, I spent a moment with you, but it felt like an eternity. If only I could imagine an eternity with you. I imagine that would be too, too much. Given the moment with you, an eternity would absolutely blow my mind. James

Why Ryan? You don't need me, you won't forgive me. You shut me out when I needed you most. That's not love... James 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm doing fine. Gosh. I don't know what to think. Everything is happening so fast. I mean, two weeks ago I didn't figure on getting back together with you, and saying what I'm about to say. I know that I've never actually written you a sentimental letter before. I don't know why. I guess there's not as much feeling in it as a person to person deal. So here it goes. Please take to heart my words, and never let them die. Ryan, I love you so much. The time we've been together has been good to me. The time we were apart made me realize what I needed. You. But it was good for us to break off, because I am now more in love with you than I ever was. I find myself looking for you everywhere I go. I think about you. And about us. I know that through the many years to come we may disagree, and maybe argue over many things, but we will always love one another. I know you will take care of me, and stay close through the hard times. W...

Ryan, This is a bracelet I found for you. The blue means love. Hold it close to your heart. I love you. ALWAYS! Rita Rosalita

August 8th, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? Good I hope. Ryan, don't stop writing me. That hurts. It's like you don't want to be my friend anymore. Is that what you really want? Ryan, I want to get back together with you, but I wanted to do it in person, not on pen and paper. There are so many things I want to say to you, but there's not enough time. Forever may seem long enough, but I wish for so much more. I think about you constantly. Every waking hour, until the sun sets. You are in my dreams. I had one of you the other night. It was cool, you'll hafta hear about it. I know you've probably fallen in love with someone else, but I haven't. You make me feel like no one else has. You do something to me, like a power no other man possesses. Ryan, I love you. I will always love you. Nothing or no one will ever change that. I want to come see you, but I have to know, do you want to see me? If you don't, I can't honestly say I'll understand, bu...

Hey there Mr. Midnight,  How are you, out there checking on the moonlight? I sure do miss you. I hope you miss me, too. Sweet dreams, Ryan

 July 19, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! What's going on? Hope all is swell. My life is all work, no play. It sucks. One good thing happened today. Well two actually. I got a letter from you, that always brings me much joy, and I bought a car! It's so cool. It's a 1986 Pontiac Sunbird. It's a white, four door mean machine. It's super nice, and the guy gave me a super deal on it. I got it for $1600, and it's retail value is about $3000. Pretty cool, huh? I'm so happy. He's gonna get some stuff fixed up on it, and I get it Monday. My parents are going to pick it up while I'm at work, and go get plates and insurance, and then it's all mine! Finally. As soon as I get my next couple of paychecks I'll get down to see ya. -k- Now I have some spiffy wheels to get down there.  I think it's so awesome that you're learning how to play the piano. Trust me, you'll love it. I can't keep myself off my keyboard. It's so fantastic to have someth...

Sitting there across the restaurant, in a totally different world. I see you, I know you exist. You say "hi." And so do I.  I knew you once and you knew me too. But the true you never shines through. We choose our own reality, but our tastes are not the same. Our eyes meet occasionally, only when it's necessary. Yet it's not enough. Maybe tomorrow you'll have more to say. So I'll save that hope for then. Words unsaid, gestures ungiven, wasted time. I wish you would talk to me Ryan.

Ryan, I still don't know you, although I've known of you. Others have more to say about you than you do. It's hard to know if what they say is true. You hide behind masks of insecurities, only worried about the necessities, never waiting for a moment of realism. You seem to want others in your life, yet you always avoid the moments that matter. I'm wildly curious about you and would like to get to know you better.  James

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay- Just trying to enjoy my four-day-weekend. I hafta go back to work Monday. Bummer. But hey, it's money in pocket! I have every Friday, Saturday and Sunday off for sure, so if you want to come up, those would be the best days. I'm trying to plan a trip up to Riverton at the end of the Summer to see you. Hopefully sooner, but we'll see. So anyway. What have you been up to? Having fun? Well don't have too much fun without me. If you get the chance to come up here, I have a whole night of fun planned for us. So hurry if ya can! Trust me, you WILL like it! (I hope.) If you can think of anything to do, let me know. I'll do my best to get down to Riverton as soon as I can. -K- Well, I don't know what more to say. I still love ya. Lots! I hope to see you soon. Real soon! Write Back Soon! Love Always, Rita Rosalita I love you.  Sorry So Sloppy

Ryan,  You've always told me you never wanted to be loved again, after she hurt you so badly. I'm afraid to love again, too. I understand. We have different reasons for that, I'm sure. You don't want to love again because you've had the best of love, and I don't want to love again because I've had all the worst of love. But where would we be without being loved, good love or bad love? Love always deserves a chance. Give me a chance. Let me love you, please. Katie

Ryan, One last letter before the Summer ends. You bewitched my heart, watching you work your magic, barefoot in the Shakespearian grass. I know that you weren't ready to commit to me like I wanted to commit to you. But the Summers with you were more than I ever could've asked for. You are everything I wish I was, and I'll love you forever.  Your Puck, Jonah

Dear Ryan, Hey! How are you? Good I hope. It's been going pretty good here, but could always be better. About the dance. I'm sorry. I should've waited to invite you until after I found out whether or not I could get the night off, but everyone I work with decided we should work from 12:00 to 10:30 instead of 7:00 to 5:30. I'm so sorry. I feel awful. But find out when you can come down and we'll have a dance all our own. I PROMISE! It's just that the 1st through the 4th of July are almost impossible to get off in this town. I had that problem last year, remember? Again, I'm really, really, really sorry. Just be sure to let me know ahead of time so I can get everything arranged. Also be sure that it's o-kay- with your parents. I don't want to get you into any trouble! Do me a favor. Tell Nancy to cool it. She couldn't possibly believe that after a year together we'd just run off and forget about everything. What a crock. These things take time,...

You say what you have to, To get me where you want me.  Never caring if the shit hits the fan. As long as you come out on top. That seems to be your style. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. There's a knock, a plea, and you beg on your knee. Comin' back again, another slap again. What do you see in me? Phantom, show your face when you can. Bear your soul when you want to. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. Drain yourself, strain yourself, Not a tear rolls down your cheek. Take a peek, walk softly, Pray that I don't notice. Who are you trying to kid? Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. S...

Ryan, Your lips dance sweetly, oh so neatly, uttering words so cleverly crafted. Forming thoughts, unclear intentions, misread reactions, unseen distractions. Tainted body movements, calculated poise, leery, mistrusting, cautious and oh so suspecting. Your eyes play games with the emotions of all, plotting and torturing those pitiful souls. You know not how you influence the masses. The magic you radiate is beyond comprehension. Jessie

Listening to the stories they tell, and the jokes. Trying to smile, wanting to laugh, never clearly understanding the whole situation. Helps to just listen, better not to speak, needing to say something meaningful, but the topics never arise. Thoughts flood my mind and torture my tongue. When words do come, they fly off unnoticed, better left unspoken. Maybe these people don't understand and maybe they don't care. I'd like to think they do. Looking for a place to fit in, a place to be, a calm existence in a meaningful silence. Words and phrases are highly overrated. Looks, glances and casual exchanges do just as well. Someone told me once that I speak with my eyes. To be mute for a day would be an experience. Communication, they say, is the basis for any meaningful relationship. Body language, eye contact, gestures, are all essential. Frozen in the corner, silent and unheard is my chosen position. That's not the person I want to be. Social, outspoken, intimidating and o...

I told you I was leaving. A true friend would be happy for me. That was three days ago. Not a word has been exchanged since. I'm only good for you if I stay and depend on you. I don't understand, maybe I was wrong to think that you weren't like the rest of them. Bruised pride is all I've gotten in return for accepting your generosity. I don't want that anymore. I want to be free of this, free of feeling I owe you my surrender for all that you have done for me. When I no longer fulfill your void of loneliness, you cast me aside like an old shoe. It's been done to me before. What good would come of staying? Nothing. So, turn your back on me, treat me like something that just happened to you. I'll do the same. I have no other choice. I've only ever played the hand that was dealt to me. I never would have dreamed the game would turn sour if I no longer wanted to play. 

You hate it when I'm doing something you are not. You hate it when I'm talking about something you are not. You hate it that you can't be in a room with me without participating in the same activity. I was waiting for you to talk to me, but your opening statement didn't catch my attention. But I don't hate you, and hopefully you don't hate me for being me. I'm in the room, but my mind is somewhere else. Total silence is more often than not my savior, but you seem to thrive on responses you get from others, and it bugs you that you sometimes don't get that gratification from me. Have you ever tried to pretend for a moment that something or someone else in your environment did not exist? I doubt it. Constantly trying to understand people and why they do what they do, never slowing down to think that maybe some people are hurt by your casual statements to others about them. But I still love you anyway, even if you can't or won't understand. 

Ryan, I'm scared. Scared to say things to you I may never say to anyone for the rest of my life. Scared you'll think me weak or insane. I can't explain how I feel, and I can't ignore it. But I knew what I wanted long before you came along. This pressing urge to know everything about you, feel everything you do, it's eating me up. Funny how emotions can control a person. I'll walk softly and turn a blind eye. Do you believe it's possible to fall for someone, just by looking at them? I shouldn't let myself, yet I can't turn away. Jonah

Your eyes speak a language all their own. They know the bitterness of a hundred farewells, And have cast a million wicked spells. You look where you like when you please. Casual glances, meaningless stares, Cautious stances, intimidating glares. 

I need a portable blender, I need a roll of duct tape, I need a double-barreled shotgun, To shut you up. I need a sound-proof room, I need a hand full of death caps, I need a home six feet under, To forget about you. I need a ticket to nowhere, I need a light-speed jet, I need a ride to hitch, To get away from your smile. I need my feet in cement, I need my eyes burned out, I need my heart on a plate, To keep from feeling you here. I need, you. I need, you. I need, you. To keep me sane. I need, us. I need, us. I need, us. To know I'll stay that way. RLJ

You see me every day, you know me better than anyone else. You've seen me at my worst and my best. You see through me and can pick me apart. No one else quite understands me like you do.

The words they speak torture my soul as I sit quietly in the corner. Afraid to make a move, afraid to make a sound. Maybe what I have to say is a little too profound. My mind doesn't work the way theirs do. Thoughts run through my head, but my mouth remains motionless. Silence is something I value more so than most people. "Bored as sin??" He asks me when he glances my way. "No." I lie, as he goes back to the conversation that seems miles away. 

Did you ever stop to think my dear that my casual statements aren't so casual. They are thought out and carefully crafted to hold people just far enough away. Here I am, I breeze in and out of peoples' lives, stopping only for a few passing moments. I can't afford to get too close to anyone. My heart has been broken once too often for that. That is why I simply call things how I see them. I could be wrong. I know I can't be right. My whole of existence was shattered when I came home. Nothing changed, but it wasn't the same. And who am I? Just some boy with a hopelessly romantic heart, protected by his quick wit and sarcasm. What was I put here for? Don't know really. So riddle me this, Bat Man... if you get it right, you win. Who am I? 

Sunday, February 25, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How are you? I'm doing o-kay-, but could always be better. Lately I've been getting sick quite a bit. My immune system has been getting pretty low because of my low eating habits, and all this weather isn't helping it any. I've been doing better lately though. My mom tries to make me eat at least one big meal a day. She would like it if I ate more, but she's not going to push it. What can I say? When you're not hungry, you just don't want to eat. School sucks. I hate it. I am getting so behind in all of my classes. I've been missing so much school because I'm sick all the time, and every time I miss a day in school, I found out that I missed a test or something really important. I try my best to keep up but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  Anyways, you remember when my parents sold my piano, and how devastated I was? Well yesterday they went up to Billings and bought me a keyboard! It is so cool....

Friday June 21st, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey. How's it going? Good I hope. Sorry to say, it's not so good here. Every time I get a letter from you, the more I miss you. I understand that you do not want to talk to, or even see me, but it still hurts. I want to be with you so bad. In your letter you said that I walked out of your life for a year, and then wanted to see you again, but that was odd. Ryan, you were my boyfriend for that whole year. What was so odd about wanting to see you? I want to be with you. I want you to hold me, to have those moments together that we've waited a whole year to have. Even if it's every couple of weekends, or just once a month that I see you. I know you've been dating. I hear quite a bit through the grapevine. Honestly, I was dating, too, but it didn't work out. There was no feeling. No magic, like there was with you. I've only dated one guy since we broke up, and I found out all he wanted me for was a show piece. I somehow got the ...

Ryan, Thanks for dogging me. Where the hell did you go? I'm sick of you not wanting to hang out with me! Why did you abandon your truck? Was it on fire? Looks fine now. Lilly

Ryan, Sorry I put your pencil in my mouth, you may have to disinfect. Now, some words of advice, written in a mechanical pencil. 1. When in doubt, tight roll your jeans. 2. Don't die. 3. Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi. 4. Hate is a strong word, for which you need strong actions... (ie: punch, kick, ect.) 5. Never, Ever Be Popular!!! 6. Contradict yourself. 7. Dye Your Hair 8. Write poetry. 9. Paint a van. 10. Live in a van down by the river! 11. Write only with mechanical pencils. 12. Fake sudden dyslexia. 13. Always be yourself! Remember... the only thing there is to say is, every silver lining has its' touch of grey. .... And if the band you're in starts playin' a different tune, I'll see you on The Dark Side of the Moon .... P.S. Thanks for letting me use your pencil/paper/bag.

Ryan, I have wanted to tell you this for a long time, and I have to get it out of me. Since the first time I saw you, I thought you were absolutely gorgeous. I was so excited when you actually talked to me. For the longest time I wanted to be your girlfriend, but I need your friendship, and I know you need mine, just as much. Please understand how important it is to have you in my life. I need someone to be there for me, like I have for you. I need you in my life. Your friend, Jillian Anne

Ryan, I've got to get this off my chest. -K- When you tell me things like "you're cute when you're mad," of "if I have enough guts, I'd ask this person to come over, but she's probably busy," you confuse me, and that makes me upset 'cause I want you to like me. Please tell me what's going on. Today, please!! Jill Please write back

April 24, 1996 Dear Ryan, Well, I don't know what to say. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel like such a bitch in my life. I never ever said I thought it was okay that our relationship was over. Honestly, I cried so bad when I read your letter. It hurt me so bad that you had such harsh feelings for me. Ryan, I love you. What more do you want? I know you don't believe me. You pointed that out to me a number of times, but I do. I don't know if you realize that this is not about Erin and Bill. I can't stand being with you when you have eyes for anyone else! No. My feelings for Bill are not stronger than the feelings I have for you. How can you say that when I've been in love with you for over a year now?! It hurts. It's like someone took a knife and jabbed it into my heart a couple million times. Every time I saw you and Erin together when you two were going out, I wanted to run into a dark corner and hide. You're the person I thought I could say an...

At night, When I'm all alone, My thoughts, They turn to you. They remember you, And how we were, When we were alone, Just me and you. You and I feeling, We were all we needed, All we needed in the world. Now here we are alone, Both wondering why, When we were all we needed, Why we're so alone now.

Dear Ryan, Hey there! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay-, but could always be better! Lately I've been real sick, and I haven't had much time to do anything. I also have finals for school all next week, so my schedule's pretty tight, but not enough to keep me getting a letter from you! Ryan, you are not an insensitive jerk. I could break that girls' nose for saying that to you, who ever she was. I've never felt that you were, and never will. I've thought long and hard about your question of if I'll take you back. I feel that we really need to talk about this in person. It would be so much easier for the both of us.  Ryan, I want someone with me, in person. Someone I can go places with. Bill promised me that, but hasn't taken the time to fulfill that promise yet. I just feel so lonely. I go out with my friends, and they have their boyfriends with them, and I'm always alone. If you could come up here once in awhile, it would be different. June 10th I sta...

Dear Ryan Gosh. I'm speechless. Thanks for worrying about me, but I'll be okay. I don't live alone. My parents are in the apartment right above mine, and they watch me like a hawk. Besides, I'm a good girl. I sort of took offense to you saying that it was pointless to write to me anymore, just because I've changed. Ryan, you knew I wasn't going to be sixteen forever. Sooner or later I had to grow up. Take responsibilities and become a little more independent. And I have, but deep down inside I'll always be the same person I've been. I'll always love you. No matter how much I change, that will always stay the same. This Summer I want to take a weekend off, and come see you, just you. No one else. It will give us a chance to talk. Hopefully it will be a chance to show you that I've changed for the better. Change is good, trust me. Well, I don't know what more to say. Please write back soon. It's not pointless. Not to me anyway. I love you. ...

At midnight I look out the shades And up into the sky My thoughts trail off And focus on A very special guy At one o'clock I go inside And lay back in my bed I think of you And start to cry And then cover up my head At school I walk A somber sleep That no one seems to break And when the day Comes to an end My somber sleep shall break On the stars I comfort you And hold you by my side I tell my dreams and fantasies To you I will confide But days are strange And weakening From black into dark blue I think the stars have finally proved My love for you is true