All Their Words

If you are no longer yourself, You were never you. If it is now a lie, Then it was never true. If you were right just once, You've failed perfection. If you held back your tears, You've overcome rejection. If you threw the first punch, You caused the fight. If you slept before dawn, Then you missed the night. If you hate to dress up, You will never be formal. But if you just be yourself, You will always be normal. R.R. 

Ryan, We love & miss you VERY MUCH ! XOXOXOXO I thank my lucky stars each night that I have you to hold me tight. Love Always & Forever Rita & Kelle

Dear Ryan, Thank you for your letter. It was helpful to know how you really feel. I feel the same way for you, too, but right now I'm going through the greatest trial of my life, and I'm not so sure you're ready to see who I am today. I really do love you, though. Always remember that. Please write back if you want to.  Love Always & Forever, Rita Rosalita Bisbee

 5-6-98 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? Good it sounds like. Things are good and bad here. It seems like everything in the past week has been a 'gain something - lose something.' I got my new apartment. It's really cool. I love it. I'm not completely moved in yet, but I'll get there. On the bad part of my week, I found out Wednesday that the girl I was best friends with where I grew up was killed in a car accident. Ryan, it hurt so bad. I couldn't stop crying for 4 days! I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I would see her. All I can think about are the things we used to do. Some were every day routines, others are special memories I'll always cherish. The thing that hurts the most is that I have nothing tangible to remember her by. God it hurts. I never thought I would have to face the death of a close friend like that. We're all so young and alive. Goes to show what alcohol can do. You don't even have to be wild for it to happ...

Dear Ryan, Hey there! How are ya? Missing me in misery? Good! That's what I like to hear. How's everything going? I just barely got off the phone with you, and I'm already missing you. Pretty pathetic, huh? I know you're in the same boat. Gosh, this is such a good movie, I can never see it enough. Val Kilmer! Hotty. Not as much as you, though. Well, I'm really tired. I will sleep tonight with thoughts of you. I Love You! Sweetie. Love Always Rita Rosalita

Dear Ryan, Hi there! How are ya? Good I hope. I'm doing much better. How's school? I'm starting to have a bit of a social life again. Kyle came over last night and we watched movies. I'm supposed to go out with him, Kaye and Robert tomorrow. I don't know what to think about him. He's a really cool guy, but I just want to be alone for a while. I dunno, maybe I need to go on. But what if I don't? We'll see. So, ya been staying out of trouble? I hope so. Guess what?! Do you remember Jason, Dan and Karen from Pahaska? They're coming back this summer. I got a letter from Jason in the mail the other day. I'm way excited to see them all again.  Well, I'm all out of words. Say hi to everyone for me, and BEHAVE! Take care!! Rita Bisbee

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? Well I'm o-kay- Sorry it's taken me so long to write you. You're sending your letters to my old address, and it takes weeks for me to get them. So here's my new one: Rita Bisbee 1529 Draw Street Cody WY, 82414 About your dreams. Just tell me about them. I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems. And Homecoming. I'll try to make it, but I can't promise. You might have to go for some of your "other opportunities." You see, I just started this new job, and I have to fill in all the missing shifts. So my schedule is not always a set thing, but I'll see what I can do, and then I'll get back with you. Well, it's SUPER late & I have TONS of homework begging for my attention. So, write me back & tell everyone I said "Hi!" I love you. Love Always. Rita Rosalita P.S. If you see Nathan, could you please give him my address. Thanx. Love you! Rita

My Dear Diane, There was a young, tender time under sweet summer skies where we would dance barefoot in the grass and engage in ancient dialogue. We'd gather around, all in a room and tighten our belts, we'd slow down and rest without guilt. We would act and lie without fear in a world of Shakespeare. We would stay and respond, expand, include, allow and forgive, and live in a safe world of make believe. We'd evolve, enjoy, inquire, discern, accept, admit, divulge, speak out and reach out. It was our utopia, our imaginary ideal, our nirvana, our ultimate. We'd open our arms and jump, propelled by our passions, amused and charmed by our differences. We'd be gentle and make space for every emotion. We would breathe and be charmed and amused by language. We would heal and be humbled, hold close and let go and know when to do which. And we all only knew of these things because of you. You'll never know how you changed my world, one Shakespearian Summer at a time. Yo...

Katie,  I hope you realize that I would have created a perfect world of love. A world where you and I would have loved each other perfectly. But this wicked world got in the way and destroyed all that. But still, that perfect world is somewhere, somewhere waiting for us. Ryan

Dear Ryan, Hey! How are you? I'm o-kay- But could really do without the pile of homework waiting for me in my book bag. College is a lot different than high school. I really hated the first week, but now that I know a ton of people it's starting to be fun.  Bod Coe came to talk with me on my last night of work and asked me if I would travel with him and the managers to Denver after Christmas to help them buy the new stock for next year. I was so excited. Anne came up to see me and asked me to help her with inventory this winter. Vicky hates me so bad. But I deserve all of this. I worked my butt off to move up. Also, I got you that 'Mountain Dude' shirt you wanted. I'll bring it with me when I come up for Homecoming. Also, Beth is coming with me to Homecoming in Riverton. She needs a date for the dance, so please find one. You don't have to if you don't want to, but please do. Well, I don't know what more to say. Tell everyone I said hi! Love Always, Rita

Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How've you been? I've been o-kay- I'm planning a trip to Riverton to see you on June 20th, let me know if that's o-kay- I sure hope so 'cause I've already taken the time off work. The 20th is a Friday, and I'll be able to stay through Sunday the 22nd. I have to go back to work at 8:00 am on the 23rd, so that's the longest I'll be able to stay, but I'll plan to make another trip in July. I'll need a place to stay for Friday & Saturday night. I'll be able to pay a little bit, but I'll need some prices to make sure I have enough cash. I'm bringing my brothers with me, but I'm dropping them off in Shoshoni at Ross's girlfriends house, and I'll pick them up on my way back to Cody. So let me know if all that is o-kay- 'cause it will probably be the only chance I get until sometime in July or August. Oh, guess what I did last weekend? Guess, Yep! I GRADUATED!!!! It's about time. too. I was go...

Dear Ryan, Hey there sexy! How've you been? I've been o-kay- kind of. A little depressed here and there, but I'll get through it. It's just that there's no one here I can talk to that understands. It sucks. Sometimes I just want to throw everything away, and run as far as I can, but my problems will just follow me.  I'm sorry, I should be talking about something happier. So how's life going for ya? Good I hope. I miss you so much and think about you ALL the time. I watched the video of our Homecoming dance my mother made. You looked so GOOD! Of course, you always do. So I don't know what more to say. Write me back soon! Please. I'm dying to hear from you! Love Always, XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Rita Rosalita XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Sorry So Sloppy! I love you!!

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How've you been? I've been ok. So, what do you think of my art? Wild. Sorry I haven't written in such a long time. I've been so busy. I'm putting in a lot of overtime at work. It sucks, but I need the cash. I've also been dancing quite a bit. I have a guy partner now. His name is Dustin. He's pretty cool. We haven't got into any of the really difficult stunts yet, but there's progress every day. The dance class I'm teaching is doing well, also. It's growing so fast. If too many people keep coming in I'm going to have to charge them! I'm also performing my music a bit. Here and there I find people who want to hear something new and relaxing. It's good for me to have an audience. Anyway, not much else is happening. I get my new hearing aids in a week and a half. So I might be able to hear. (Yeah right!) We'll see. I miss you lots & hope to "hear" from you soon! I love you! Love Always, Rita Rosa...

Dear Ryan, Your letters always bring me much joy. They're so full of passion. I know what you mean by falling in love all over again. I feel it, too.  If you want to know what you did to catch my eye, I'll tell you. You talked to me, and listened to me. You didn't see me as just an object you could show off to your friends. I've always been treated like a possession, but you were different. You showed me I was human. Not just something on display. I realized my feelings counted the same as anyone else's. That feels so good to finally know. You cared for and loved me more than any guy who's been in my life. I am in love with your smile, your touch, and the way you can always brighten my day, whether you're right beside me or 200 miles away. You put words together like an art. You always know the right things to say. You've touched my heart in a way no one else has. Your love is something I consider valuable, and not to be taken for granted. Even though we...

I lowered my walls and let you in. You asked me what was going on in my mind. But the second I showed my bleeding feelings, You broke those emotions wide open. My insecurities were your weapons, Twisting my words to fit your devices. You knew I was on the edge,  But you pushed me over anyway. You sat and watched me drown, Pushing all of my buttons, Pushing me deeper inside myself. You played my keys like a piano, Making me dance to your song. Wanting me hypnotized like a zombie,  Driven out of my mind. But I'll always be the one to blame, Tell the world I was your clam. Tell them I was insecure with emotions, Like a roach left to nibble on cookie crumbs, And the world will come to applaud you.

Dear You, I won’t curse you, but I won’t wish you well either. I wish you nothing, and may our planets never touch again. Please be happy, please be sad, be in peace, or afflicted by your reality, please feel anything and everything, whatever it may be, but please, do it far away from me.  You know who you are. Ryan

For your Birthday, I thought you'd appreciate some small gesture in keeping with our relationship... THPPFT! Ryan, I hope you enjoy your Birthday. I miss you much & think of you every chance I get. Love ya! Love Always, Rita Dec. 19, 1996

January 3rd, 1997 Dear Ryan, I've written this letter four times and I think it's better if I just cut the bullshit and get to the point. Ryan. This isn't working. We're either going to have to try harder with this relationship or call it quits. Since I've been down to Riverton for your Homecoming, you've sent me ONE letter, and a birthday card. Ryan, I can't just be there when it's convenient for you. I need some attention! I'm not saying you need to write me a letter every day, I'd just like to know what you're up to! The only explanation I have for this, is that you're cheating on me, and I would rather not think that. Ryan, I love you a lot, and I really want this to work out. I really do. I'm sick and tired of running to my mailbox everyday and finding nothing from you. I receive more mail from Nathan Laidlaw, and not only is he not my boyfriend, he lives in a whole different country! Ryan, that's pretty sad on your part. Rya...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are you? I'm doing fine. Things are looking up for me in ways, and down in others. I'm learning that all the hard work I've done in school is finally paying off. I'm graduating. I had my final band concert last Thursday. It was on stage, half way through the concert, and I realized I would never be there again and I started crying. Whether or not it was pain or happiness, I don't know. I just know that for eight hard years I dedicated my life to something I loved and cherished, and that will always be with me. I will always have those years to look back on. The hard, endless hours of practice, and those joyful moments of triumph. Knowing I was good at something. I earned my place and it will still be there when I come back. Some day it will have payed off. On brighter sides, I found a new job. I'm going to start working at the Buffalo Bill Historical Museum after I come back from Christmas break. The wages and the hours are really great, and ...

James, You're there every time I turn around. Just stay where you are, find something to do. Do you have to be a part, no matter what? You care more what people think than you should. You'll say anything, do anything if it impresses or gets you praise. I need a pair of blinders and ear plugs. I need a sound proof locked room, to forget about you. I go crazy when I know what you're thinking. I go mad when I know why you do what you do. I'm not saying change. Just live, for you. Live your life because you want to, not for anyone else. Impress, lie if you have to, why do you feel you must? People will love you if you just be the James I know you are. Just live and you'll find there's more to life than who we are. Ryan

November 29, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm o-kay- but could always be better. Is anything wrong? I haven't heard from you in a while. Well, it looks like I'll be in home school for second semester. So, I'll probably have more time on my hands. I'll hopefully be able to make it down to Riverton more often. If business at Maxwell's ever picks up. I went from four nights a week down to one. It's not good. I haven't been pulling in that much money. I don't know if I told you yet, but I'm for sure quitting band. I've changed my major from music education to zoology. It's really interesting. I want to go into the specific study of wild cats, like lions, tigers and panthers. I want to get into college in Africa so I can have access to them. Guess what? My parents, well, my mom anyway, wants to move to Idaho. She's hoping to move this summer. She says she misses the city and wants to go back so she has a place to shop. She's a...

Hate has never been so strong, Yet love has never been so deep. Passion has never been so hot, Yet loneliness has never been so cold. Desire has never been so constraining, Yet ignorance has never been so free. Purpose has never been so complete, Yet emptiness has never been so bitter. ~ RLJ ~ 

Thank you, Buck! Ryan Luke Jevne is a very nice name! 😊 You are acting your role as Buck splendidly!  👏👌👍 I am so pleased that you're singing 🎶 and acting 🎭 in the show!  Thank you! 😄 Star 🌟 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon. How are ya doin? Hang in there. It will soon be like it was, or better. Hopefully better. I've been really sick lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it. There's so much pain. It feels like someone is ripping my insides out. I'm constantly tired. If this keeps up I'll have to go to the doctor. I don't want to, but I might have to. I have good news and bad news. Good news first. My leg is pretty much o-kay- now, and I'm able to dance again, and the scratches on my face are practically gone. I have a little swelling left in my ankle, but it'll be o-kay-.  Now the bad news. I hope you are sitting down. Here it goes. I wrecked my car. Not bad, but it's not good. This lady in a black Eagle Talon slammed into me one day after school. She claimed I ran a red light and hit her. It's not true though. I cleared the light, and she jumped the gun. I tried to swerve, but she still got me. If I never would have swerved she would h...

Ryan, I sat there in the front row, there to see only you. You up there on the stage, working the magic you always worked so well. As I watched you work that mysterious magic, I knew that there would never be another like you. And that's when I knew I loved you. Jonah

Traveling alone on this journey called life, Clouded with hardships, struggles and strife. Moments brimming with love, Moments shadowed with despair. Could it be, in my hour of need, that I am left alone, Forsaken, to walk this winding road as one? Or could another be here, there, with me? There are times when I feel I shouldn't, Couldn't possibly go on. But then, as if a power beyond my own, lifts me, I do. Some unknown force is driving me, Some unseen being pushing me. Leading me on to better, or worse. Some say we choose our destiny. But I cannot agree, There is someone here with me. RLJ

Ryan, Wow! No matter how many times I read your letters, I never fail to get that sensation. And even a silly little grin that makes everyone wonder what I'm up to. I miss you, too. I keep the pictures of you in my car so I can see you everyday. You are so sexy! I'm not the only one that thinks so either. Some of my friends like to look at my pictures of you, and show everyone what their favorite pose of you is! (My favorite weren't in the pictures!) Beth and I were talking today, and she feels there should be more communication in our relationship. I guess I kind of agree. Maybe sometime we should just sit down and talk about life, maybe share things with each other that we don't know about. I think it would be nice, but it's up to you. There's so much more that we don't know about each other. I didn't try out for that play, but I am going to do speech. I've got to have something else in my life besides band. I fear I wore that out. I figure I can p...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are ya? I'm o-kay- Having a rough time with life right now, but I'm sure I'll make it. I'm considering quitting band, and changing my major. I'm getting sick of it. I worked almost my whole life to get somewhere with music, and sometimes it seems as if I'm getting nowhere.  I'm getting back into drama, and I think I'll do o-kay- I have a try out on Monday. It's the lead role in the 'Invisible Man.' I probably won't get it, but it's worth a try. Maybe I'll get something. Who knows?! My car's not fixed yet. I hope it will be soon though. I miss it. In a few months the windows will be tinted, and I'm going to have an awesome stereo in it. I'm getting a Pioneer CD player. It's sleek. Other than that I've been working a lot. Making mucho dollars so I can hopefully go down to see you for Homecoming. If I do though, I need you to look me up a place to stay if you could. It needs to be as cheap as p...

You are my man, My all desire. You are the flame, That burns my fire. You are the shield, That keeps me safe, From all the pain, That I may face. You are the cure, That heals my heart. You are the need, That I can't part. You are the one, I see in light. I know you're there, Into the night.  With Love to Ryan Jevne By: Rita Rosalita

Sat. Sept. 21, 1996 Ryan, Hey hon! Howz it going? I'm doing o-kay- for now. I miss you though. Gosh, this last week has been hard. I got really sick. For a while I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. Last Monday I was showing signs of a premature heart attack. Then as the week went on, I was told I might have an ulcer that was bleeding internally. On Friday my stomach got the best of me, and I finally went home. I slept for 26 hours! I woke up today and finally had the strength to go to work. So maybe everything will be o-kay- 'cause I feel so much better. My muscles still ache a bit, but I'm sure it's all fine now. I gave Beth your number just-in-case something did happen. I'm sure it's all o-kay- now. It just scared me for a while. I was so white, and I looked like shit. Glad you didn't see me. You would've ran like hell. N-E ways. So what have you been doing lately? I wrote you a poem. Hope you like it. It's not spectacular, but I'm...

Ryan, Even though you're so far away, you're in my thoughts every single day. All the passion I saw in your eyes, the way you held me under the starlit skies. As the hues set in and said their prayers, I was next to you and in your cares. I heard your heart say those sweet words, that comfort me every time they're heard. And in my soul I know it is true, when I say I will always love you. Rita Rosalita It's not my best work, but it's from my heart. I love you.

Dear Ryan, Hey Love! I'm just sitting here in my room thinking about you. The only thing I've done all week! It's also the best thing I've done all week! Seriously. My whole week has been pure hell, and I always find peace thinking of you. And why not? You're so sexy! Your hair, your eyes, your hands, your lips. Well, I better stop before I get carried away with myself! I do tend to get carried away at times. It's going to be great though. Being with you. Nothing and no one else matters. Just as long as there is still us, and that picture of you in the tub. By the way, I loved that picture. So did all my friends. Don't worry, they still think you look cute, and I still think you're hot shit! Always. Well, seeing I'll be giving you this note when I see you, I guess you know now that I will not be coming down for Homecoming. I think I need to let a few girls know they can look, not touch! And if it doesn't sink through, I'll just brand it in th...

Dear Ryan,  I want to make this letter an ode to you. From my heart. I always dream and never wake. Just to save an image of you. I try to give more than I take. I keep close friends to a minimum few. I cherish all our memories made. I look forward to so much more. Knowing our love will never fade, keeps no reason for me to implore. I see a star fall from the sky, and make a wish for you. And as the days fast fly by, I realize that they've all come true. I bathe my mind and wash it clean. To save the room I need. For there's so much more that's to be seen. Once we're in the lead. I make a promise to only you. It's safe inside my heart. I know it shall be accepted and true. It's that our love shall never part! I love you! Rita Rosalita

Dear Ryan, I spent a moment with you, but it felt like an eternity. If only I could imagine an eternity with you. I imagine that would be too, too much. Given the moment with you, an eternity would absolutely blow my mind. James

Why Ryan? You don't need me, you won't forgive me. You shut me out when I needed you most. That's not love... James 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm doing fine. Gosh. I don't know what to think. Everything is happening so fast. I mean, two weeks ago I didn't figure on getting back together with you, and saying what I'm about to say. I know that I've never actually written you a sentimental letter before. I don't know why. I guess there's not as much feeling in it as a person to person deal. So here it goes. Please take to heart my words, and never let them die. Ryan, I love you so much. The time we've been together has been good to me. The time we were apart made me realize what I needed. You. But it was good for us to break off, because I am now more in love with you than I ever was. I find myself looking for you everywhere I go. I think about you. And about us. I know that through the many years to come we may disagree, and maybe argue over many things, but we will always love one another. I know you will take care of me, and stay close through the hard times. W...

Ryan, This is a bracelet I found for you. The blue means love. Hold it close to your heart. I love you. ALWAYS! Rita Rosalita

August 8th, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? Good I hope. Ryan, don't stop writing me. That hurts. It's like you don't want to be my friend anymore. Is that what you really want? Ryan, I want to get back together with you, but I wanted to do it in person, not on pen and paper. There are so many things I want to say to you, but there's not enough time. Forever may seem long enough, but I wish for so much more. I think about you constantly. Every waking hour, until the sun sets. You are in my dreams. I had one of you the other night. It was cool, you'll hafta hear about it. I know you've probably fallen in love with someone else, but I haven't. You make me feel like no one else has. You do something to me, like a power no other man possesses. Ryan, I love you. I will always love you. Nothing or no one will ever change that. I want to come see you, but I have to know, do you want to see me? If you don't, I can't honestly say I'll understand, bu...

Hey there Mr. Midnight,  How are you, out there checking on the moonlight? I sure do miss you. I hope you miss me, too. Sweet dreams, Ryan

 July 19, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! What's going on? Hope all is swell. My life is all work, no play. It sucks. One good thing happened today. Well two actually. I got a letter from you, that always brings me much joy, and I bought a car! It's so cool. It's a 1986 Pontiac Sunbird. It's a white, four door mean machine. It's super nice, and the guy gave me a super deal on it. I got it for $1600, and it's retail value is about $3000. Pretty cool, huh? I'm so happy. He's gonna get some stuff fixed up on it, and I get it Monday. My parents are going to pick it up while I'm at work, and go get plates and insurance, and then it's all mine! Finally. As soon as I get my next couple of paychecks I'll get down to see ya. -k- Now I have some spiffy wheels to get down there.  I think it's so awesome that you're learning how to play the piano. Trust me, you'll love it. I can't keep myself off my keyboard. It's so fantastic to have someth...

Sitting there across the restaurant, in a totally different world. I see you, I know you exist. You say "hi." And so do I.  I knew you once and you knew me too. But the true you never shines through. We choose our own reality, but our tastes are not the same. Our eyes meet occasionally, only when it's necessary. Yet it's not enough. Maybe tomorrow you'll have more to say. So I'll save that hope for then. Words unsaid, gestures ungiven, wasted time. I wish you would talk to me Ryan.

Ryan, I still don't know you, although I've known of you. Others have more to say about you than you do. It's hard to know if what they say is true. You hide behind masks of insecurities, only worried about the necessities, never waiting for a moment of realism. You seem to want others in your life, yet you always avoid the moments that matter. I'm wildly curious about you and would like to get to know you better.  James

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay- Just trying to enjoy my four-day-weekend. I hafta go back to work Monday. Bummer. But hey, it's money in pocket! I have every Friday, Saturday and Sunday off for sure, so if you want to come up, those would be the best days. I'm trying to plan a trip up to Riverton at the end of the Summer to see you. Hopefully sooner, but we'll see. So anyway. What have you been up to? Having fun? Well don't have too much fun without me. If you get the chance to come up here, I have a whole night of fun planned for us. So hurry if ya can! Trust me, you WILL like it! (I hope.) If you can think of anything to do, let me know. I'll do my best to get down to Riverton as soon as I can. -K- Well, I don't know what more to say. I still love ya. Lots! I hope to see you soon. Real soon! Write Back Soon! Love Always, Rita Rosalita I love you.  Sorry So Sloppy

Ryan,  You've always told me you never wanted to be loved again, after she hurt you so badly. I'm afraid to love again, too. I understand. We have different reasons for that, I'm sure. You don't want to love again because you've had the best of love, and I don't want to love again because I've had all the worst of love. But where would we be without being loved, good love or bad love? Love always deserves a chance. Give me a chance. Let me love you, please. Katie

Ryan, One last letter before the Summer ends. You bewitched my heart, watching you work your magic, barefoot in the Shakespearian grass. I know that you weren't ready to commit to me like I wanted to commit to you. But the Summers with you were more than I ever could've asked for. You are everything I wish I was, and I'll love you forever.  Your Puck, Jonah

Dear Ryan, Hey! How are you? Good I hope. It's been going pretty good here, but could always be better. About the dance. I'm sorry. I should've waited to invite you until after I found out whether or not I could get the night off, but everyone I work with decided we should work from 12:00 to 10:30 instead of 7:00 to 5:30. I'm so sorry. I feel awful. But find out when you can come down and we'll have a dance all our own. I PROMISE! It's just that the 1st through the 4th of July are almost impossible to get off in this town. I had that problem last year, remember? Again, I'm really, really, really sorry. Just be sure to let me know ahead of time so I can get everything arranged. Also be sure that it's o-kay- with your parents. I don't want to get you into any trouble! Do me a favor. Tell Nancy to cool it. She couldn't possibly believe that after a year together we'd just run off and forget about everything. What a crock. These things take time,...

You say what you have to, To get me where you want me.  Never caring if the shit hits the fan. As long as you come out on top. That seems to be your style. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. There's a knock, a plea, and you beg on your knee. Comin' back again, another slap again. What do you see in me? Phantom, show your face when you can. Bear your soul when you want to. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. Drain yourself, strain yourself, Not a tear rolls down your cheek. Take a peek, walk softly, Pray that I don't notice. Who are you trying to kid? Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. S...

Ryan, Your lips dance sweetly, oh so neatly, uttering words so cleverly crafted. Forming thoughts, unclear intentions, misread reactions, unseen distractions. Tainted body movements, calculated poise, leery, mistrusting, cautious and oh so suspecting. Your eyes play games with the emotions of all, plotting and torturing those pitiful souls. You know not how you influence the masses. The magic you radiate is beyond comprehension. Jessie

Listening to the stories they tell, and the jokes. Trying to smile, wanting to laugh, never clearly understanding the whole situation. Helps to just listen, better not to speak, needing to say something meaningful, but the topics never arise. Thoughts flood my mind and torture my tongue. When words do come, they fly off unnoticed, better left unspoken. Maybe these people don't understand and maybe they don't care. I'd like to think they do. Looking for a place to fit in, a place to be, a calm existence in a meaningful silence. Words and phrases are highly overrated. Looks, glances and casual exchanges do just as well. Someone told me once that I speak with my eyes. To be mute for a day would be an experience. Communication, they say, is the basis for any meaningful relationship. Body language, eye contact, gestures, are all essential. Frozen in the corner, silent and unheard is my chosen position. That's not the person I want to be. Social, outspoken, intimidating and o...

I told you I was leaving. A true friend would be happy for me. That was three days ago. Not a word has been exchanged since. I'm only good for you if I stay and depend on you. I don't understand, maybe I was wrong to think that you weren't like the rest of them. Bruised pride is all I've gotten in return for accepting your generosity. I don't want that anymore. I want to be free of this, free of feeling I owe you my surrender for all that you have done for me. When I no longer fulfill your void of loneliness, you cast me aside like an old shoe. It's been done to me before. What good would come of staying? Nothing. So, turn your back on me, treat me like something that just happened to you. I'll do the same. I have no other choice. I've only ever played the hand that was dealt to me. I never would have dreamed the game would turn sour if I no longer wanted to play. 

You hate it when I'm doing something you are not. You hate it when I'm talking about something you are not. You hate it that you can't be in a room with me without participating in the same activity. I was waiting for you to talk to me, but your opening statement didn't catch my attention. But I don't hate you, and hopefully you don't hate me for being me. I'm in the room, but my mind is somewhere else. Total silence is more often than not my savior, but you seem to thrive on responses you get from others, and it bugs you that you sometimes don't get that gratification from me. Have you ever tried to pretend for a moment that something or someone else in your environment did not exist? I doubt it. Constantly trying to understand people and why they do what they do, never slowing down to think that maybe some people are hurt by your casual statements to others about them. But I still love you anyway, even if you can't or won't understand. 

Ryan, I'm scared. Scared to say things to you I may never say to anyone for the rest of my life. Scared you'll think me weak or insane. I can't explain how I feel, and I can't ignore it. But I knew what I wanted long before you came along. This pressing urge to know everything about you, feel everything you do, it's eating me up. Funny how emotions can control a person. I'll walk softly and turn a blind eye. Do you believe it's possible to fall for someone, just by looking at them? I shouldn't let myself, yet I can't turn away. Jonah

Your eyes speak a language all their own. They know the bitterness of a hundred farewells, And have cast a million wicked spells. You look where you like when you please. Casual glances, meaningless stares, Cautious stances, intimidating glares. 

I need a portable blender, I need a roll of duct tape, I need a double-barreled shotgun, To shut you up. I need a sound-proof room, I need a hand full of death caps, I need a home six feet under, To forget about you. I need a ticket to nowhere, I need a light-speed jet, I need a ride to hitch, To get away from your smile. I need my feet in cement, I need my eyes burned out, I need my heart on a plate, To keep from feeling you here. I need, you. I need, you. I need, you. To keep me sane. I need, us. I need, us. I need, us. To know I'll stay that way. RLJ

You see me every day, you know me better than anyone else. You've seen me at my worst and my best. You see through me and can pick me apart. No one else quite understands me like you do.

The words they speak torture my soul as I sit quietly in the corner. Afraid to make a move, afraid to make a sound. Maybe what I have to say is a little too profound. My mind doesn't work the way theirs do. Thoughts run through my head, but my mouth remains motionless. Silence is something I value more so than most people. "Bored as sin??" He asks me when he glances my way. "No." I lie, as he goes back to the conversation that seems miles away. 

Did you ever stop to think my dear that my casual statements aren't so casual. They are thought out and carefully crafted to hold people just far enough away. Here I am, I breeze in and out of peoples' lives, stopping only for a few passing moments. I can't afford to get too close to anyone. My heart has been broken once too often for that. That is why I simply call things how I see them. I could be wrong. I know I can't be right. My whole of existence was shattered when I came home. Nothing changed, but it wasn't the same. And who am I? Just some boy with a hopelessly romantic heart, protected by his quick wit and sarcasm. What was I put here for? Don't know really. So riddle me this, Bat Man... if you get it right, you win. Who am I? 

Sunday, February 25, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How are you? I'm doing o-kay-, but could always be better. Lately I've been getting sick quite a bit. My immune system has been getting pretty low because of my low eating habits, and all this weather isn't helping it any. I've been doing better lately though. My mom tries to make me eat at least one big meal a day. She would like it if I ate more, but she's not going to push it. What can I say? When you're not hungry, you just don't want to eat. School sucks. I hate it. I am getting so behind in all of my classes. I've been missing so much school because I'm sick all the time, and every time I miss a day in school, I found out that I missed a test or something really important. I try my best to keep up but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  Anyways, you remember when my parents sold my piano, and how devastated I was? Well yesterday they went up to Billings and bought me a keyboard! It is so cool....

Friday June 21st, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey. How's it going? Good I hope. Sorry to say, it's not so good here. Every time I get a letter from you, the more I miss you. I understand that you do not want to talk to, or even see me, but it still hurts. I want to be with you so bad. In your letter you said that I walked out of your life for a year, and then wanted to see you again, but that was odd. Ryan, you were my boyfriend for that whole year. What was so odd about wanting to see you? I want to be with you. I want you to hold me, to have those moments together that we've waited a whole year to have. Even if it's every couple of weekends, or just once a month that I see you. I know you've been dating. I hear quite a bit through the grapevine. Honestly, I was dating, too, but it didn't work out. There was no feeling. No magic, like there was with you. I've only dated one guy since we broke up, and I found out all he wanted me for was a show piece. I somehow got the ...

Ryan, Thanks for dogging me. Where the hell did you go? I'm sick of you not wanting to hang out with me! Why did you abandon your truck? Was it on fire? Looks fine now. Lilly

Ryan, Sorry I put your pencil in my mouth, you may have to disinfect. Now, some words of advice, written in a mechanical pencil. 1. When in doubt, tight roll your jeans. 2. Don't die. 3. Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi. 4. Hate is a strong word, for which you need strong actions... (ie: punch, kick, ect.) 5. Never, Ever Be Popular!!! 6. Contradict yourself. 7. Dye Your Hair 8. Write poetry. 9. Paint a van. 10. Live in a van down by the river! 11. Write only with mechanical pencils. 12. Fake sudden dyslexia. 13. Always be yourself! Remember... the only thing there is to say is, every silver lining has its' touch of grey. .... And if the band you're in starts playin' a different tune, I'll see you on The Dark Side of the Moon .... P.S. Thanks for letting me use your pencil/paper/bag.

Ryan, I have wanted to tell you this for a long time, and I have to get it out of me. Since the first time I saw you, I thought you were absolutely gorgeous. I was so excited when you actually talked to me. For the longest time I wanted to be your girlfriend, but I need your friendship, and I know you need mine, just as much. Please understand how important it is to have you in my life. I need someone to be there for me, like I have for you. I need you in my life. Your friend, Jillian Anne

Ryan, I've got to get this off my chest. -K- When you tell me things like "you're cute when you're mad," of "if I have enough guts, I'd ask this person to come over, but she's probably busy," you confuse me, and that makes me upset 'cause I want you to like me. Please tell me what's going on. Today, please!! Jill Please write back

April 24, 1996 Dear Ryan, Well, I don't know what to say. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel like such a bitch in my life. I never ever said I thought it was okay that our relationship was over. Honestly, I cried so bad when I read your letter. It hurt me so bad that you had such harsh feelings for me. Ryan, I love you. What more do you want? I know you don't believe me. You pointed that out to me a number of times, but I do. I don't know if you realize that this is not about Erin and Bill. I can't stand being with you when you have eyes for anyone else! No. My feelings for Bill are not stronger than the feelings I have for you. How can you say that when I've been in love with you for over a year now?! It hurts. It's like someone took a knife and jabbed it into my heart a couple million times. Every time I saw you and Erin together when you two were going out, I wanted to run into a dark corner and hide. You're the person I thought I could say an...