All Their Words

I lowered my walls and let you in. You asked me what was going on in my mind. But the second I showed my bleeding feelings, You broke those emotions wide open. My insecurities were your weapons, Twisting my words to fit your devices. You knew I was on the edge,  But you pushed me over anyway. You sat and watched me drown, Pushing all of my buttons, Pushing me deeper inside myself. You played my keys like a piano, Making me dance to your song. Wanting me hypnotized like a zombie,  Driven out of my mind. But I'll always be the one to blame, Tell the world I was your clam. Tell them I was insecure with emotions, Like a roach left to nibble on cookie crumbs, And the world will come to applaud you.

Dear You, I won’t curse you, but I won’t wish you well either. I wish you nothing, and may our planets never touch again. Please be happy, please be sad, be in peace, or afflicted by your reality, please feel anything and everything, whatever it may be, but please, do it far away from me.  You know who you are. Ryan

For your Birthday, I thought you'd appreciate some small gesture in keeping with our relationship... THPPFT! Ryan, I hope you enjoy your Birthday. I miss you much & think of you every chance I get. Love ya! Love Always, Rita Dec. 19, 1996

January 3rd, 1997 Dear Ryan, I've written this letter four times and I think it's better if I just cut the bullshit and get to the point. Ryan. This isn't working. We're either going to have to try harder with this relationship or call it quits. Since I've been down to Riverton for your Homecoming, you've sent me ONE letter, and a birthday card. Ryan, I can't just be there when it's convenient for you. I need some attention! I'm not saying you need to write me a letter every day, I'd just like to know what you're up to! The only explanation I have for this, is that you're cheating on me, and I would rather not think that. Ryan, I love you a lot, and I really want this to work out. I really do. I'm sick and tired of running to my mailbox everyday and finding nothing from you. I receive more mail from Nathan Laidlaw, and not only is he not my boyfriend, he lives in a whole different country! Ryan, that's pretty sad on your part. Rya...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are you? I'm doing fine. Things are looking up for me in ways, and down in others. I'm learning that all the hard work I've done in school is finally paying off. I'm graduating. I had my final band concert last Thursday. It was on stage, half way through the concert, and I realized I would never be there again and I started crying. Whether or not it was pain or happiness, I don't know. I just know that for eight hard years I dedicated my life to something I loved and cherished, and that will always be with me. I will always have those years to look back on. The hard, endless hours of practice, and those joyful moments of triumph. Knowing I was good at something. I earned my place and it will still be there when I come back. Some day it will have payed off. On brighter sides, I found a new job. I'm going to start working at the Buffalo Bill Historical Museum after I come back from Christmas break. The wages and the hours are really great, and ...

James, You're there every time I turn around. Just stay where you are, find something to do. Do you have to be a part, no matter what? You care more what people think than you should. You'll say anything, do anything if it impresses or gets you praise. I need a pair of blinders and ear plugs. I need a sound proof locked room, to forget about you. I go crazy when I know what you're thinking. I go mad when I know why you do what you do. I'm not saying change. Just live, for you. Live your life because you want to, not for anyone else. Impress, lie if you have to, why do you feel you must? People will love you if you just be the James I know you are. Just live and you'll find there's more to life than who we are. Ryan

November 29, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm o-kay- but could always be better. Is anything wrong? I haven't heard from you in a while. Well, it looks like I'll be in home school for second semester. So, I'll probably have more time on my hands. I'll hopefully be able to make it down to Riverton more often. If business at Maxwell's ever picks up. I went from four nights a week down to one. It's not good. I haven't been pulling in that much money. I don't know if I told you yet, but I'm for sure quitting band. I've changed my major from music education to zoology. It's really interesting. I want to go into the specific study of wild cats, like lions, tigers and panthers. I want to get into college in Africa so I can have access to them. Guess what? My parents, well, my mom anyway, wants to move to Idaho. She's hoping to move this summer. She says she misses the city and wants to go back so she has a place to shop. She's a...

Hate has never been so strong, Yet love has never been so deep. Passion has never been so hot, Yet loneliness has never been so cold. Desire has never been so constraining, Yet ignorance has never been so free. Purpose has never been so complete, Yet emptiness has never been so bitter. ~ RLJ ~ 

Thank you, Buck! Ryan Luke Jevne is a very nice name! 😊 You are acting your role as Buck splendidly!  👏👌👍 I am so pleased that you're singing 🎶 and acting 🎭 in the show!  Thank you! 😄 Star 🌟 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon. How are ya doin? Hang in there. It will soon be like it was, or better. Hopefully better. I've been really sick lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it. There's so much pain. It feels like someone is ripping my insides out. I'm constantly tired. If this keeps up I'll have to go to the doctor. I don't want to, but I might have to. I have good news and bad news. Good news first. My leg is pretty much o-kay- now, and I'm able to dance again, and the scratches on my face are practically gone. I have a little swelling left in my ankle, but it'll be o-kay-.  Now the bad news. I hope you are sitting down. Here it goes. I wrecked my car. Not bad, but it's not good. This lady in a black Eagle Talon slammed into me one day after school. She claimed I ran a red light and hit her. It's not true though. I cleared the light, and she jumped the gun. I tried to swerve, but she still got me. If I never would have swerved she would h...

Ryan, I sat there in the front row, there to see only you. You up there on the stage, working the magic you always worked so well. As I watched you work that mysterious magic, I knew that there would never be another like you. And that's when I knew I loved you. Jonah

Traveling alone on this journey called life, Clouded with hardships, struggles and strife. Moments brimming with love, Moments shadowed with despair. Could it be, in my hour of need, that I am left alone, Forsaken, to walk this winding road as one? Or could another be here, there, with me? There are times when I feel I shouldn't, Couldn't possibly go on. But then, as if a power beyond my own, lifts me, I do. Some unknown force is driving me, Some unseen being pushing me. Leading me on to better, or worse. Some say we choose our destiny. But I cannot agree, There is someone here with me. RLJ

Ryan, Wow! No matter how many times I read your letters, I never fail to get that sensation. And even a silly little grin that makes everyone wonder what I'm up to. I miss you, too. I keep the pictures of you in my car so I can see you everyday. You are so sexy! I'm not the only one that thinks so either. Some of my friends like to look at my pictures of you, and show everyone what their favorite pose of you is! (My favorite weren't in the pictures!) Beth and I were talking today, and she feels there should be more communication in our relationship. I guess I kind of agree. Maybe sometime we should just sit down and talk about life, maybe share things with each other that we don't know about. I think it would be nice, but it's up to you. There's so much more that we don't know about each other. I didn't try out for that play, but I am going to do speech. I've got to have something else in my life besides band. I fear I wore that out. I figure I can p...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are ya? I'm o-kay- Having a rough time with life right now, but I'm sure I'll make it. I'm considering quitting band, and changing my major. I'm getting sick of it. I worked almost my whole life to get somewhere with music, and sometimes it seems as if I'm getting nowhere.  I'm getting back into drama, and I think I'll do o-kay- I have a try out on Monday. It's the lead role in the 'Invisible Man.' I probably won't get it, but it's worth a try. Maybe I'll get something. Who knows?! My car's not fixed yet. I hope it will be soon though. I miss it. In a few months the windows will be tinted, and I'm going to have an awesome stereo in it. I'm getting a Pioneer CD player. It's sleek. Other than that I've been working a lot. Making mucho dollars so I can hopefully go down to see you for Homecoming. If I do though, I need you to look me up a place to stay if you could. It needs to be as cheap as p...

You are my man, My all desire. You are the flame, That burns my fire. You are the shield, That keeps me safe, From all the pain, That I may face. You are the cure, That heals my heart. You are the need, That I can't part. You are the one, I see in light. I know you're there, Into the night.  With Love to Ryan Jevne By: Rita Rosalita

Sat. Sept. 21, 1996 Ryan, Hey hon! Howz it going? I'm doing o-kay- for now. I miss you though. Gosh, this last week has been hard. I got really sick. For a while I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. Last Monday I was showing signs of a premature heart attack. Then as the week went on, I was told I might have an ulcer that was bleeding internally. On Friday my stomach got the best of me, and I finally went home. I slept for 26 hours! I woke up today and finally had the strength to go to work. So maybe everything will be o-kay- 'cause I feel so much better. My muscles still ache a bit, but I'm sure it's all fine now. I gave Beth your number just-in-case something did happen. I'm sure it's all o-kay- now. It just scared me for a while. I was so white, and I looked like shit. Glad you didn't see me. You would've ran like hell. N-E ways. So what have you been doing lately? I wrote you a poem. Hope you like it. It's not spectacular, but I'm...

Ryan, Even though you're so far away, you're in my thoughts every single day. All the passion I saw in your eyes, the way you held me under the starlit skies. As the hues set in and said their prayers, I was next to you and in your cares. I heard your heart say those sweet words, that comfort me every time they're heard. And in my soul I know it is true, when I say I will always love you. Rita Rosalita It's not my best work, but it's from my heart. I love you.

Dear Ryan, Hey Love! I'm just sitting here in my room thinking about you. The only thing I've done all week! It's also the best thing I've done all week! Seriously. My whole week has been pure hell, and I always find peace thinking of you. And why not? You're so sexy! Your hair, your eyes, your hands, your lips. Well, I better stop before I get carried away with myself! I do tend to get carried away at times. It's going to be great though. Being with you. Nothing and no one else matters. Just as long as there is still us, and that picture of you in the tub. By the way, I loved that picture. So did all my friends. Don't worry, they still think you look cute, and I still think you're hot shit! Always. Well, seeing I'll be giving you this note when I see you, I guess you know now that I will not be coming down for Homecoming. I think I need to let a few girls know they can look, not touch! And if it doesn't sink through, I'll just brand it in th...

Dear Ryan,  I want to make this letter an ode to you. From my heart. I always dream and never wake. Just to save an image of you. I try to give more than I take. I keep close friends to a minimum few. I cherish all our memories made. I look forward to so much more. Knowing our love will never fade, keeps no reason for me to implore. I see a star fall from the sky, and make a wish for you. And as the days fast fly by, I realize that they've all come true. I bathe my mind and wash it clean. To save the room I need. For there's so much more that's to be seen. Once we're in the lead. I make a promise to only you. It's safe inside my heart. I know it shall be accepted and true. It's that our love shall never part! I love you! Rita Rosalita

Dear Ryan, I spent a moment with you, but it felt like an eternity. If only I could imagine an eternity with you. I imagine that would be too, too much. Given the moment with you, an eternity would absolutely blow my mind. James

Why Ryan? You don't need me, you won't forgive me. You shut me out when I needed you most. That's not love... James 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm doing fine. Gosh. I don't know what to think. Everything is happening so fast. I mean, two weeks ago I didn't figure on getting back together with you, and saying what I'm about to say. I know that I've never actually written you a sentimental letter before. I don't know why. I guess there's not as much feeling in it as a person to person deal. So here it goes. Please take to heart my words, and never let them die. Ryan, I love you so much. The time we've been together has been good to me. The time we were apart made me realize what I needed. You. But it was good for us to break off, because I am now more in love with you than I ever was. I find myself looking for you everywhere I go. I think about you. And about us. I know that through the many years to come we may disagree, and maybe argue over many things, but we will always love one another. I know you will take care of me, and stay close through the hard times. W...

Ryan, This is a bracelet I found for you. The blue means love. Hold it close to your heart. I love you. ALWAYS! Rita Rosalita

August 8th, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? Good I hope. Ryan, don't stop writing me. That hurts. It's like you don't want to be my friend anymore. Is that what you really want? Ryan, I want to get back together with you, but I wanted to do it in person, not on pen and paper. There are so many things I want to say to you, but there's not enough time. Forever may seem long enough, but I wish for so much more. I think about you constantly. Every waking hour, until the sun sets. You are in my dreams. I had one of you the other night. It was cool, you'll hafta hear about it. I know you've probably fallen in love with someone else, but I haven't. You make me feel like no one else has. You do something to me, like a power no other man possesses. Ryan, I love you. I will always love you. Nothing or no one will ever change that. I want to come see you, but I have to know, do you want to see me? If you don't, I can't honestly say I'll understand, bu...

Hey there Mr. Midnight,  How are you, out there checking on the moonlight? I sure do miss you. I hope you miss me, too. Sweet dreams, Ryan

 July 19, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! What's going on? Hope all is swell. My life is all work, no play. It sucks. One good thing happened today. Well two actually. I got a letter from you, that always brings me much joy, and I bought a car! It's so cool. It's a 1986 Pontiac Sunbird. It's a white, four door mean machine. It's super nice, and the guy gave me a super deal on it. I got it for $1600, and it's retail value is about $3000. Pretty cool, huh? I'm so happy. He's gonna get some stuff fixed up on it, and I get it Monday. My parents are going to pick it up while I'm at work, and go get plates and insurance, and then it's all mine! Finally. As soon as I get my next couple of paychecks I'll get down to see ya. -k- Now I have some spiffy wheels to get down there.  I think it's so awesome that you're learning how to play the piano. Trust me, you'll love it. I can't keep myself off my keyboard. It's so fantastic to have someth...

Sitting there across the restaurant, in a totally different world. I see you, I know you exist. You say "hi." And so do I.  I knew you once and you knew me too. But the true you never shines through. We choose our own reality, but our tastes are not the same. Our eyes meet occasionally, only when it's necessary. Yet it's not enough. Maybe tomorrow you'll have more to say. So I'll save that hope for then. Words unsaid, gestures ungiven, wasted time. I wish you would talk to me Ryan.

Ryan, I still don't know you, although I've known of you. Others have more to say about you than you do. It's hard to know if what they say is true. You hide behind masks of insecurities, only worried about the necessities, never waiting for a moment of realism. You seem to want others in your life, yet you always avoid the moments that matter. I'm wildly curious about you and would like to get to know you better.  James

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay- Just trying to enjoy my four-day-weekend. I hafta go back to work Monday. Bummer. But hey, it's money in pocket! I have every Friday, Saturday and Sunday off for sure, so if you want to come up, those would be the best days. I'm trying to plan a trip up to Riverton at the end of the Summer to see you. Hopefully sooner, but we'll see. So anyway. What have you been up to? Having fun? Well don't have too much fun without me. If you get the chance to come up here, I have a whole night of fun planned for us. So hurry if ya can! Trust me, you WILL like it! (I hope.) If you can think of anything to do, let me know. I'll do my best to get down to Riverton as soon as I can. -K- Well, I don't know what more to say. I still love ya. Lots! I hope to see you soon. Real soon! Write Back Soon! Love Always, Rita Rosalita I love you.  Sorry So Sloppy

Ryan,  You've always told me you never wanted to be loved again, after she hurt you so badly. I'm afraid to love again, too. I understand. We have different reasons for that, I'm sure. You don't want to love again because you've had the best of love, and I don't want to love again because I've had all the worst of love. But where would we be without being loved, good love or bad love? Love always deserves a chance. Give me a chance. Let me love you, please. Katie

Ryan, One last letter before the Summer ends. You bewitched my heart, watching you work your magic, barefoot in the Shakespearian grass. I know that you weren't ready to commit to me like I wanted to commit to you. But the Summers with you were more than I ever could've asked for. You are everything I wish I was, and I'll love you forever.  Your Puck, Jonah

Dear Ryan, Hey! How are you? Good I hope. It's been going pretty good here, but could always be better. About the dance. I'm sorry. I should've waited to invite you until after I found out whether or not I could get the night off, but everyone I work with decided we should work from 12:00 to 10:30 instead of 7:00 to 5:30. I'm so sorry. I feel awful. But find out when you can come down and we'll have a dance all our own. I PROMISE! It's just that the 1st through the 4th of July are almost impossible to get off in this town. I had that problem last year, remember? Again, I'm really, really, really sorry. Just be sure to let me know ahead of time so I can get everything arranged. Also be sure that it's o-kay- with your parents. I don't want to get you into any trouble! Do me a favor. Tell Nancy to cool it. She couldn't possibly believe that after a year together we'd just run off and forget about everything. What a crock. These things take time,...

You say what you have to, To get me where you want me.  Never caring if the shit hits the fan. As long as you come out on top. That seems to be your style. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. There's a knock, a plea, and you beg on your knee. Comin' back again, another slap again. What do you see in me? Phantom, show your face when you can. Bear your soul when you want to. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. Drain yourself, strain yourself, Not a tear rolls down your cheek. Take a peek, walk softly, Pray that I don't notice. Who are you trying to kid? Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. S...

Ryan, Your lips dance sweetly, oh so neatly, uttering words so cleverly crafted. Forming thoughts, unclear intentions, misread reactions, unseen distractions. Tainted body movements, calculated poise, leery, mistrusting, cautious and oh so suspecting. Your eyes play games with the emotions of all, plotting and torturing those pitiful souls. You know not how you influence the masses. The magic you radiate is beyond comprehension. Jessie

Listening to the stories they tell, and the jokes. Trying to smile, wanting to laugh, never clearly understanding the whole situation. Helps to just listen, better not to speak, needing to say something meaningful, but the topics never arise. Thoughts flood my mind and torture my tongue. When words do come, they fly off unnoticed, better left unspoken. Maybe these people don't understand and maybe they don't care. I'd like to think they do. Looking for a place to fit in, a place to be, a calm existence in a meaningful silence. Words and phrases are highly overrated. Looks, glances and casual exchanges do just as well. Someone told me once that I speak with my eyes. To be mute for a day would be an experience. Communication, they say, is the basis for any meaningful relationship. Body language, eye contact, gestures, are all essential. Frozen in the corner, silent and unheard is my chosen position. That's not the person I want to be. Social, outspoken, intimidating and o...

I told you I was leaving. A true friend would be happy for me. That was three days ago. Not a word has been exchanged since. I'm only good for you if I stay and depend on you. I don't understand, maybe I was wrong to think that you weren't like the rest of them. Bruised pride is all I've gotten in return for accepting your generosity. I don't want that anymore. I want to be free of this, free of feeling I owe you my surrender for all that you have done for me. When I no longer fulfill your void of loneliness, you cast me aside like an old shoe. It's been done to me before. What good would come of staying? Nothing. So, turn your back on me, treat me like something that just happened to you. I'll do the same. I have no other choice. I've only ever played the hand that was dealt to me. I never would have dreamed the game would turn sour if I no longer wanted to play. 

You hate it when I'm doing something you are not. You hate it when I'm talking about something you are not. You hate it that you can't be in a room with me without participating in the same activity. I was waiting for you to talk to me, but your opening statement didn't catch my attention. But I don't hate you, and hopefully you don't hate me for being me. I'm in the room, but my mind is somewhere else. Total silence is more often than not my savior, but you seem to thrive on responses you get from others, and it bugs you that you sometimes don't get that gratification from me. Have you ever tried to pretend for a moment that something or someone else in your environment did not exist? I doubt it. Constantly trying to understand people and why they do what they do, never slowing down to think that maybe some people are hurt by your casual statements to others about them. But I still love you anyway, even if you can't or won't understand. 

Ryan, I'm scared. Scared to say things to you I may never say to anyone for the rest of my life. Scared you'll think me weak or insane. I can't explain how I feel, and I can't ignore it. But I knew what I wanted long before you came along. This pressing urge to know everything about you, feel everything you do, it's eating me up. Funny how emotions can control a person. I'll walk softly and turn a blind eye. Do you believe it's possible to fall for someone, just by looking at them? I shouldn't let myself, yet I can't turn away. Jonah

Your eyes speak a language all their own. They know the bitterness of a hundred farewells, And have cast a million wicked spells. You look where you like when you please. Casual glances, meaningless stares, Cautious stances, intimidating glares. 

I need a portable blender, I need a roll of duct tape, I need a double-barreled shotgun, To shut you up. I need a sound-proof room, I need a hand full of death caps, I need a home six feet under, To forget about you. I need a ticket to nowhere, I need a light-speed jet, I need a ride to hitch, To get away from your smile. I need my feet in cement, I need my eyes burned out, I need my heart on a plate, To keep from feeling you here. I need, you. I need, you. I need, you. To keep me sane. I need, us. I need, us. I need, us. To know I'll stay that way. RLJ

You see me every day, you know me better than anyone else. You've seen me at my worst and my best. You see through me and can pick me apart. No one else quite understands me like you do.

The words they speak torture my soul as I sit quietly in the corner. Afraid to make a move, afraid to make a sound. Maybe what I have to say is a little too profound. My mind doesn't work the way theirs do. Thoughts run through my head, but my mouth remains motionless. Silence is something I value more so than most people. "Bored as sin??" He asks me when he glances my way. "No." I lie, as he goes back to the conversation that seems miles away. 

Did you ever stop to think my dear that my casual statements aren't so casual. They are thought out and carefully crafted to hold people just far enough away. Here I am, I breeze in and out of peoples' lives, stopping only for a few passing moments. I can't afford to get too close to anyone. My heart has been broken once too often for that. That is why I simply call things how I see them. I could be wrong. I know I can't be right. My whole of existence was shattered when I came home. Nothing changed, but it wasn't the same. And who am I? Just some boy with a hopelessly romantic heart, protected by his quick wit and sarcasm. What was I put here for? Don't know really. So riddle me this, Bat Man... if you get it right, you win. Who am I? 

Sunday, February 25, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How are you? I'm doing o-kay-, but could always be better. Lately I've been getting sick quite a bit. My immune system has been getting pretty low because of my low eating habits, and all this weather isn't helping it any. I've been doing better lately though. My mom tries to make me eat at least one big meal a day. She would like it if I ate more, but she's not going to push it. What can I say? When you're not hungry, you just don't want to eat. School sucks. I hate it. I am getting so behind in all of my classes. I've been missing so much school because I'm sick all the time, and every time I miss a day in school, I found out that I missed a test or something really important. I try my best to keep up but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  Anyways, you remember when my parents sold my piano, and how devastated I was? Well yesterday they went up to Billings and bought me a keyboard! It is so cool....

Friday June 21st, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey. How's it going? Good I hope. Sorry to say, it's not so good here. Every time I get a letter from you, the more I miss you. I understand that you do not want to talk to, or even see me, but it still hurts. I want to be with you so bad. In your letter you said that I walked out of your life for a year, and then wanted to see you again, but that was odd. Ryan, you were my boyfriend for that whole year. What was so odd about wanting to see you? I want to be with you. I want you to hold me, to have those moments together that we've waited a whole year to have. Even if it's every couple of weekends, or just once a month that I see you. I know you've been dating. I hear quite a bit through the grapevine. Honestly, I was dating, too, but it didn't work out. There was no feeling. No magic, like there was with you. I've only dated one guy since we broke up, and I found out all he wanted me for was a show piece. I somehow got the ...

Ryan, Thanks for dogging me. Where the hell did you go? I'm sick of you not wanting to hang out with me! Why did you abandon your truck? Was it on fire? Looks fine now. Lilly

Ryan, Sorry I put your pencil in my mouth, you may have to disinfect. Now, some words of advice, written in a mechanical pencil. 1. When in doubt, tight roll your jeans. 2. Don't die. 3. Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi. 4. Hate is a strong word, for which you need strong actions... (ie: punch, kick, ect.) 5. Never, Ever Be Popular!!! 6. Contradict yourself. 7. Dye Your Hair 8. Write poetry. 9. Paint a van. 10. Live in a van down by the river! 11. Write only with mechanical pencils. 12. Fake sudden dyslexia. 13. Always be yourself! Remember... the only thing there is to say is, every silver lining has its' touch of grey. .... And if the band you're in starts playin' a different tune, I'll see you on The Dark Side of the Moon .... P.S. Thanks for letting me use your pencil/paper/bag.

Ryan, I have wanted to tell you this for a long time, and I have to get it out of me. Since the first time I saw you, I thought you were absolutely gorgeous. I was so excited when you actually talked to me. For the longest time I wanted to be your girlfriend, but I need your friendship, and I know you need mine, just as much. Please understand how important it is to have you in my life. I need someone to be there for me, like I have for you. I need you in my life. Your friend, Jillian Anne

Ryan, I've got to get this off my chest. -K- When you tell me things like "you're cute when you're mad," of "if I have enough guts, I'd ask this person to come over, but she's probably busy," you confuse me, and that makes me upset 'cause I want you to like me. Please tell me what's going on. Today, please!! Jill Please write back

April 24, 1996 Dear Ryan, Well, I don't know what to say. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel like such a bitch in my life. I never ever said I thought it was okay that our relationship was over. Honestly, I cried so bad when I read your letter. It hurt me so bad that you had such harsh feelings for me. Ryan, I love you. What more do you want? I know you don't believe me. You pointed that out to me a number of times, but I do. I don't know if you realize that this is not about Erin and Bill. I can't stand being with you when you have eyes for anyone else! No. My feelings for Bill are not stronger than the feelings I have for you. How can you say that when I've been in love with you for over a year now?! It hurts. It's like someone took a knife and jabbed it into my heart a couple million times. Every time I saw you and Erin together when you two were going out, I wanted to run into a dark corner and hide. You're the person I thought I could say an...

At night, When I'm all alone, My thoughts, They turn to you. They remember you, And how we were, When we were alone, Just me and you. You and I feeling, We were all we needed, All we needed in the world. Now here we are alone, Both wondering why, When we were all we needed, Why we're so alone now.

Dear Ryan, Hey there! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay-, but could always be better! Lately I've been real sick, and I haven't had much time to do anything. I also have finals for school all next week, so my schedule's pretty tight, but not enough to keep me getting a letter from you! Ryan, you are not an insensitive jerk. I could break that girls' nose for saying that to you, who ever she was. I've never felt that you were, and never will. I've thought long and hard about your question of if I'll take you back. I feel that we really need to talk about this in person. It would be so much easier for the both of us.  Ryan, I want someone with me, in person. Someone I can go places with. Bill promised me that, but hasn't taken the time to fulfill that promise yet. I just feel so lonely. I go out with my friends, and they have their boyfriends with them, and I'm always alone. If you could come up here once in awhile, it would be different. June 10th I sta...

Dear Ryan Gosh. I'm speechless. Thanks for worrying about me, but I'll be okay. I don't live alone. My parents are in the apartment right above mine, and they watch me like a hawk. Besides, I'm a good girl. I sort of took offense to you saying that it was pointless to write to me anymore, just because I've changed. Ryan, you knew I wasn't going to be sixteen forever. Sooner or later I had to grow up. Take responsibilities and become a little more independent. And I have, but deep down inside I'll always be the same person I've been. I'll always love you. No matter how much I change, that will always stay the same. This Summer I want to take a weekend off, and come see you, just you. No one else. It will give us a chance to talk. Hopefully it will be a chance to show you that I've changed for the better. Change is good, trust me. Well, I don't know what more to say. Please write back soon. It's not pointless. Not to me anyway. I love you. ...

At midnight I look out the shades And up into the sky My thoughts trail off And focus on A very special guy At one o'clock I go inside And lay back in my bed I think of you And start to cry And then cover up my head At school I walk A somber sleep That no one seems to break And when the day Comes to an end My somber sleep shall break On the stars I comfort you And hold you by my side I tell my dreams and fantasies To you I will confide But days are strange And weakening From black into dark blue I think the stars have finally proved My love for you is true

April 6th, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey. How are you? I'm o-kay- but I'm about to tell you something that might make you very unhappy. From previous letters you have written me, I can tell that you have unresolved feelings for Erin. Lately Bill and I have been talking, and I've found that we also have unresolved feelings for each other. He still cares a great deal for me, and in all honesty, I still have strong feelings for him. I think maybe we should break things off for awhile, and resolve these feeling for other people. Don't get me wrong, I still love you very much, but if our relationship is ever going to work, we need to get these kinds of things out of the way. I hope you understand, and I also want you to keep writing to me. I still want to come see you this Summer, that's if you want me to. Remember, this is only a test to prove how much we really love each other. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. I love you, now, and forever. Love Always, Ri...

Dear Rita, Yeah, I got your letter. I'm very unhappy. I never thought the day would come. I guess it's better for you this way, but hell if it is for me. Why? The feeling's I've got for Erin aren't even close to the loads I've got for you. Thanks for being honest with me, though, I respect that. But, if you really did love me, you'd wait for me. All this "unresolved" crap has nothing to do with us. If you loved Bill more, I'd understand, but I don't. So, there's something you still aren't telling me. What is it? I was right when I said we'd never last without seeing each other. You said nothing would change, I believed you, but now, God I'm starting to cry. I'm sorry it had to go this way, but it's totally your decision. If you want it this way, I'm not gonna fight it. As for Erin, I want nothing to do with her. Some test, I'll fail. Knowing that you're with someone else is tearing me apart. I'll neve...

Dear Ryan, Hey! How's my dumplin' doin? Good I hope. I'm doin o-kay-, but would be doin a whole lot better if you were here. Sorry about bein' stupid that one night. I guess I should know better from now on. But don't ease down, cause it gets a lot worse. I went down to Casper with the band last week, and I got to see Hannah. It was so cool. We, me, Melissa, Jeff and Dwight went to band class and hung out with them. See, we were with the basketball band, and they let us do whatever we wanted to on Friday, as long as it was within walking distance from the Hotel. So we went to N.C. the whole day, was rather weird. That night Dwight got caught with marijuana in his room, and they came in my room looking for some, but didn't find any. So they suspended me and Melissa from band for the rest of the trip. They arrested Dwight and carted him off to jail. Even though they didn't find any in our room, they kept us a suspects because we had spent the day with Dwight. ...

Love and Kisses from your Sweetie at Christmas! December 25, 1995 Ryan, Hope you have a Merry Christmas, And if you had to look inside to see who signed the card, you're in big trouble! Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year! Love Always, Rita Rosalita XOXOXO

My Dearest Darling Rita, You probably don't want to read this, but read it anyway. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and I, for the things I've done. I never meant to destroy the one thing that was supposed to last forever. I felt I had to tell you, because if I hadn't told you, what chance would this marriage have of being? I know you're hurting right now and I know you're scared of getting hurt again. But as surely as I'm living and I'm breathing in the hopes that there is still something here worth saving, I promise you that I'll never hurt you again. I don't want to hurt you in any way again. I don't expect you to ever forgive me for what I've done. I know you want to though. I want you to, too. However long it does take you to forgive me, I'm willing to wait. That's the price I'm willing to pay for you, and I will.  I love you so much that every day I am away from you it feels as if a piece of me is dying inside....

8/13/2001 Dear Rita, We aren't getting anywhere not communicating. This won't work one-sided. I'm getting a little impatient. I can only give so much when I'm not getting anything back. I said I wouldn't give up on this, but I am. I don't want conditional love anymore. "I'll love you and be there for you, if you do this..." If that's the kind of love you're offering? No thanks. I need someone who will be there for me no matter what I'm going through. For better or for worse. You've proven to me that you can't be there for me, because you don't want to be there for me. I'm not the only one who's breaking vows here. And I won't be made to feel I'm solely responsible for the breakdown of this marriage. You kicked me out, shut me out and broke my heart. Call it tough love if you want, well I don't want that. If you can't deal with me now, I don't want to deal with you and yours. Living apart will only...